Joke #5919

Two older women were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking. First Lady:Whats that? Second Lady: A condom. This way my cigarette doesnt get wet. First Lady: Where did you get it? Second Lady : You can get them at any drugstore. The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years old), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers. Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.

What starts with a 'C', ends with a 'T', and is hairy on the outside and moist on the inside? Coconut.... What were you thinking?

Little Johnny's teacher asks him, "If I have 5 cookies, and I give you 2, how many cookies do I have left?" Little Johnny replies, "Zero, you're giving me more than just 3 cookies. I'm taking all 5 baby!" The teacher just facepalms herself. "I can strongly suggest that you work on your math skills Johnny." the teacher suggests. "Oh I know math, one man plus one girl, subtract a condom, equals a baby!" Little Johnny says.

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you. The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

Q: Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants? A: He heard the snow blower coming.

One day, a Sodomite went to his doctor's office to get an HIV blood test. While there, his blood got drawn and he then left. Two weeks later, he was back at his doctor's office in an examination room, waiting for the result of the HIV test. Suddenly, his doctor walks into the examination room and says to the gay guy, "I'm awfully sorry to tell you that the test shows that you're definitely HIV positive." The gay guy then asks the doctor, "So, what needs to be done now, doctor?" The doctor says to the gay dude, "I want you to go home, sit down at your kitchen table and eat 20 hamburgers, 20 hot dogs, 20 pizzas, 20 bags of chips, and 20 gallons of ice cream." The gay then asks his doctor, "How's doing all that gonna help me out with my HIV, doctor?" The doctor then replied, "It's not gonna help you out with your HIV at all but it will definitely teach you what your asshole is really for."

Success is like pregnancy. Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got fucked to achieve it.

Johny met his classmate from high school after ten years who was still very beautiful. As he met her, he told her only: "Hi Ann, I am pleased to see you again after so many years." Ann took a look at his pants and said: "I know that you´re pleased."

A guy joined a nudist camp and when he told his mom she didn't believe him. So he sent her a picture of his top half. A week later his grandma wanted a picture but he accidently sent the bottom half. Knowing she had bad eyesight, he didn't think much of it. A week later his grandma wrote a letter saying, that she didn't like his haircut, because it made his nose look too big.

An Italian guy is out picking up chicks in Roma. While at his favorite bar, he manages to attract one rather attractive looking blonde. So they’re back at his place, and sure enough, they go at it. After a long while… He climaxes loudly. Then he rolls over, lights up a cigarette and asks her, “So…. you finish?” After a slight pause. She replies, “No.” Surprised, but pleasantly, he puts out his cigarette, rolls back on top of her, and has his way with her again, this time lasting even longer than the first… and this time completing the deed with even louder shouts. Again he rolls over, lights a cigarette, and asks, “So…. you finish?” And again, after a short pause, she simply says “No.” Stunned, but still acting reflexively on his macho pride, he once again puts out the cigarette, and mounts his companion du jour. This time, with all the strength he could muster up, he barely manages to end the task, but he does, after quite some time and energy is spent. Barely able to roll over, he reaches for his cigarette … lights it again, and then asks tiredly, “So… you finish?” “No. I’m Swedish.”

A kid walks by his parents having sex asks what's going on and his mother tells him, "We are making fishsticks". The next day the kid says, "Mom were you making fishsticks again?" And she says "Why, yes, how did you know, honey?" And the kid replies, "Well, you have a little tarter sauce on your mouth."