Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
How many Mafia hitmen does it take to light the bonfire? Three, One to set fire to the effigy, one to watch his back, and one to shoot any witnesses.
Q:Why is a doctor always calm. A: Because it has a lot of patients.
About 4,000 years ago: God: "I shall create a great plague and every living thing on Earth will die!" Fish: *Winks at God and slips him a $20 note* God: "Correction, I shall create a great flood!"
Chuck Norris doesn't have a beard by choice, even the jaws of life can't cut it.
Chuck Norris doesn't need oxygen tanks when scuba diving. He simply sucks all the life out of the ocean to breath.
There were 11 people – ten men and one woman – hanging onto a rope that came down from a helicopter. They all decided that one person should get off, because if they didn’t, the rope would break and everyone would die. No one could decide who should go, so finally, the woman gave a really touching speech saying how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to giving up things for their husbands and children, giving in to men, and not receiving anything in return. When she finished speaking, all the men started clapping.
This older Jewish man was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to receive the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son. "Yes Dad, what is it?" "Don’t be nervous, son, do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me… your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife…"
The organizers of the concert complain to the conductor of a choir: You were supposed to bring a mixed choir, but I can see only men here. But it is a mixed choir – half of them know how to sing, and the other half- do not.
A: Why are you late? B: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill. A: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it? B: No, I was standing on it.
Baby, at midnight we celebrate one year from the last time you kissed me. Look how time files!