What do you call a Labrador that becomes a magician? A Labracadabrador!
A large group of Russian soldiers in the border area in 1939 are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a small hill: "One Finnish soldier is better than ten Russian". The Russian commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the hill where Upon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence. The voice once again calls out: "One Finn is better than one hundred Russian." Furious, the Russian commander sends his next best 100 troops over the hill and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again Silence. The calm Finnish voice calls out again: "One Finn is better than one thousand Russians from: The enraged Russian commander musters 1000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the hill. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought... Then silence. Eventually one badly wounded Russian fighter crawls back over the hill and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men...it's a trap. There's two of them."
What did the egg say to the boiling water? "How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago."
A Mormon Family, one Monday evening, sat around the fire place and was discussing Church Finances, that included paying Tithing to the Bishop. Their little five year old boy heard this, than ran to his bedroom, grabbed his piggy bank, went to the Mormon Bishop's home and poured the contents of the piggy bank onto the Bishop's desk. The Bishop asked, "Is this your tithing?" the little boy said, "No Bishop." The Bishop than asked him, "Is this your Fast Offering?" The little boy again said, "No Bishop." The Mormon Bishop had a puzzeled look about him, and than asked, "If this is not your tithing or not your Fast Offering, than What is it?" The little boy said, "It's for you, Bishop, Mommy and Daddy just told me that you are the poorest Bishop that we have had."
On a beach a man shouts at another man: Tell your son not to imitate me. A man to his son: Son, stop playing the fool.
A French guest, staying in a hotel called room service for some pepper. "Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge. "Toilette pepper!" came the reply
A couple was touring the capitol in Washington, DC, and the guide pointed out a tall, benevolent gentleman as the congressional chaplain. The lady asked, "What does the chaplain do? Does he pray for the Senate or House?" The guide answered, "No, he gets up, looks at both houses of Congress, then prays for the country!"
How many mexicans does it take to build... Oh shit, They're done!
I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?"
A Ham sandwich walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food."
Going to war without the French is like going hunting without your accordion.