Why did the little girl fall off of her bike? Because she didn't have any arms.
A pretty lady is standing on the side of a bridge, looking over it and thinking about jumping off. A homeless alcoholic man comes up to her as he was walking nearby. The lady notices the man coming and says: "Go away! There's nothing you can say to me to change my mind, you cannot help me." "Well, if you're going to kill yourself anyway, why don't we have sex? At least I'll enjoy it" replies the man. "No way, you're disgusting, go away." The homeless man turns and starts walking away. The lady thinks: "Is that all you were going to say to me? Nothing more? Won't you try to convince me that life is worth living that I should not jump off? Where are you going?" The homeless man thinks: "I have to make it down to the bottom. If I hurry, you'll still be warm."
Death is God’s way of saying, ‘Hey, you’re not alive any more.’
How do you get a baby to run faster? Chase it with the lawn mower.
What is the difference between a fridge and a kid? A fridge doesn't shout when you put your meat inside it.
Bill Gates goes to purgatory. St. Peter says, "Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have done some bad things. Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go". First, St. Peter shows Bill an image of Hell with beautiful women running on beaches. Then, St Peter shows Bill an image of Heaven with robed angels playing harps on clouds. Bill chooses Hell. About a week later, St. Peter checks in on Bill in Hell and finds him being whipped by demons. Bill says to St. Peter, "What happened to all the beautiful women and the beaches?" St. Peter replies, "That was just the screen saver."
What’s the difference between a dead baby and an onion. You don’t cry when you chop up a dead baby.
What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive? Popeye almost killed him!
Why did Hitler go to the eye doctor? Because he can Nazi.
Q. What do Ethiopians and Yoko Ono have in common? A. They both live off dead Beatles.
What's the last thing that went through Princess Diana's mind? The dashboard.