A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide. The librarian says, "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."
Confucius say, man who fart in church sit in own pew.
How can you tell the difference between men's real gifts and their guilt gifts? Guilt gifts are nicer.
Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying? For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
Men are like.....Lawn Mowers. If you're not pushing one around, then you're riding it.
How to Impress a Woman: compliment her, kiss her, caress her, love her, comfort her, protect her, hold her, spend money on her, wine & dine her, listen to her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her. How to Impress a Man: show up naked, bring beer.
A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind. After a relaxing dinner with his wife, they retired to bed. So, both go to their separate beds, however the man was not yet ready to slumber. The man called over to his wife, "My little boopey-boo, I'm lonely." So the woman gets out of bed and crosses the room to the husband. On the way she trips on the carpet and falls on her face. The husband with a concerned look on his face says, "Oh, did my little honey-woney fall on her little nosey-wosey?" The woman gets up and enters the man's bed. The two make passionate love and afterwards the women rolls out. As she is returning to her bed, she once again catches her foot on the carpet and falls flat on her face. The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the floor and says, "Clumsy idiot."
How do you know if your man is dead? The sex is the same, but there's less ironing.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
After an accident... 1st Driver : I flashed the headlights and told you to let me go first. 2nd Driver : I also started the wipers and said NO NO...