I know a lady who blew her man's jimmy off because he wanted to be down with O.P.P.
Now he down with No P.P.
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What are the three rules for being a plumber?
1. Hot water is always on the left.
2. Shit doesn't flow uphill
3. Never chew your fingernails.
The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks."
"And did he?"
"Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill."
Chuck Norris's keyboard doesn't have a Ctrl key because nothing controls Chuck Norris.
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A shopkeeper was dismayed when a store opened next door with a huge sign that said, BEST DEALS!” To make things worse, another store opened on the other side with a huge sign reading “LOWEST PRICES!”
He nearly panicked until he had the idea to put up his own sign, bigger that the other two, that read, “MAIN ENTRANCE.”
In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him.
Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the hell you are doing?!"
"Well," said the guy, "you see, I’m a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can’t help practicing my art!"
"That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard!" the guy replied.
"I work for the IRS. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?"
10 years ago we had Steve Jobs, Bob Hope and Johnny Cash.
Now we have no jobs, no hope and no cash.
Friendly reminder that Adele and Taylor Swift are the same age, yet one is pregnant and another stuck in middle school.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they're all like "we need to talk."
Two boys were talking and the one said to the other, "There is a easy way to get what you want."
The other boy said, "How?" the boy replied, "Tell people you know their secret."
The boy jumps up and runs to his dad, "I know your secret!"
The dad replies, "Please don't tell your mom heres $10."
The boy then runs to his mom, "I know your secret!"
The mom said, "Please don't tell your dad here's $15."
The boy then decides to try it on the mail man, "I know your secret!"
The mail man opened his arms and said, "Come, give your dad a hug!"