A couple in their nineties were having trouble remembering things so they went to their doctor for checkups. The doctor told them that they were both physically fine and advised them to write things down to help them remember. Later that evening while watching television, the husband got up from his chair to go to the kitchen for a snack. He asked his wife if she wanted anything. “Could you bring me a bowl of ice cream?” she asked. “Sure,” he replied. “Do you think you should write that down to remember it?” she asked. “No, I can remember that,” he said. “I’d like some strawberries on it, too. Do you need to write that down?” she said. “No, I can remember that, too. Ice cream with strawberries,” he said, becoming a little irritated. “I’d like some whipped cream on it, too. Can you remember all that? The doctor said you should write things down,” she said. “For goodness sakes, I can remember that. I don’t need to write it down. A bowl of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream,” he said, now more than a little irritated. Off he went to the kitchen. About 20 minutes later he returned with a plate of bacon and eggs. The wife stared at it for a moment and said, “Where’s my toast?”
A third old woman, full of happiness, asks her granddaughter; "My sweety, remind me please.. What’s the name of that German guy that blew my mind off...?" "Alzheimer, granny!"
A couple celebrating their 50th anniversary had many well wishers stop by to congratulate them. After all of their guest had left, the two settled into recliners. “Mother,” the man said, “our marriage is tried and true.” “What’s that you say?” she asked. “You know I can’t hear without my hearing aid.” “I said, our marriage is tried and true,” he repated, a little louder.
My husband retired, and for the first time in over 40 years I had to think about preparing midday meals. Tired of it after several months, I said, “I married you for better or worse, but not for lunch.” “Fair enough. From now on I’ll make my own,” he replied. A few weeks later he had to go downtown on business and invited me to join him after wards. “We could have lunch at that Chinese place we both like,” he suggested. I happily agreed. At the restaurant the next day we were seated, and the waiter came to take our order. My husband looked up, a twinkle in his eyes and said, “Separate checks, please…”
Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I didn’t have. In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole. I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way. I told the police I was not injured, but on removing my hat I found that I had a fractured skull. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.
An elderly lady was concerned about her husband’s hearing. It seemed that every time she would call him, he wouldn’t respond. So, the lady went to the doctor to ask his advice. The doctor said to her, “when you go home, tell your husband to stand at the end of the hallway, and you should stand at the other end. Ask him what he wants for dinner. Continue to move him closer towards you until he responds to your question so you know exactly how far away he is from you when he finally hears you.” She thought this was a great idea. When she got home, she placed her husband at the end of the hallway and yelled, “Herbert, what do you want for dinner?” There was no response. She moved 10 feet closer. Again she yelled, “Herbert, what do you want for dinner?” No response. She moved another 15 feet closer to where she was now practically face to face with her husband. She yelled even louder this time, “HERBERT, what do you want for dinner?” Herbert yelled back at her, “For the THIRD time, I want chicken!”
A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: “We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.” The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, “I sure wish I’d gotten to know you sooner!”
The government recently noticed that it had too many generals in the army and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired right away, his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line along the retiring general's body between any two points he chose. The first general accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes 6 feet. He walked out with a check for $720,000. The second general asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes 8 feet. He walked away with a check $960,000. When the third general was asked where to measure, he told the pension man, "from my index finger of the left foot to the thumb, that's it." The pension man said that would be fine but "My God!" he said, "where is your thumb?!" The general replied, "Back in Iraq!"
Two old guys were sitting under a tree, watching the sun go down. One says, “You know, I’m 84 years old and my body is full of aches and pains. You’re about my age. How do you feel?” The other guy says, “Oh, I feel like a newborn baby.” “Really,” says the first guy. “Yep,” says the second one. “No teeth, no hair and I think I just wet my pants.”
An old lady at the bank asked me if I could help her check her balance. So I pushed her over.
Two old people flirt at a seniors' singles bar. After a few drinks, the old man asks the old woman, "If I took you out for a full night of wining, dining and dancing, what would you wear?" The old woman replies shyly, "Depends..." "Depends on what?" he asks. "On my bottom - where else?!"