What's the difference between a leprechaun and gonorrhea? One's a cunning runt.
What is the last thing to go through a bug's mind when it hits your windshield? It's ass.
Q: What do Michael Jackson and Santa have in common? A: After a night of visiting children, they both have empty sacks.
Silence is golden. Unless you have an infant. Then its probably blue.
On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher. The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet I know what it is - it's some flowers!" "That's right!" shouted the little boy. Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up, shook it and said. "I bet I know what it is - it's a box of candy!" "That's right!" shouted the little girl. The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son, Little Johnny. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she asked. "No," Little Johnny answered. The teacher touched another drop to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," he answered. Finally, the teacher said, "I give up. What is it?" Little Johnny replied, "A puppy!"
Why does the witch not wear panties when flying? Because she wants to get a better grip on the broom.
Q: What does it look like when you microwave a baby? A: I don't know, I close my eyes when I masturbate.
Q: What is 40 feet long and smells like urine? A: Line dancing at a nursing home.
Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, built a huge fire under it, and left them there. A few minutes later, one of the missionaries started to laugh uncontrollably. The other missionary couldn't believe it! He said, "What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?" The other missionary replied, "I just peed in the soup!"
A guy is going down on a prostitute. During the process he pulls out a piece of corn. Mildly disgusted, he tries to forget about it and continues. Then he finds a chunk of carrot and a pea, and he says, "I think I am going to be sick." The whore looks up and says, "That's what the last guy said!"
What’s sicker than driving over a baby? Skidding.