One roomate said to another, “Man, this morning I woke up with white crud around my mouth!” The other roomate said, “Oh, that's my fault, I guess I missed!”
Did you hear about the man who took Viagra and a laxative at the same time? He didn't know if he was coming or going.
Q: How do you know when it's bedtime at Michael Jackson's house? A: The big hand touches the little one.
A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porn film and it was due out in a month. A month later, the musician went to a porn theatre to see the adult movie. With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row of the adult cinema, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise. The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M, bondage and even a dog. After a while watching the adult movie, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, "I'm only here to listen to the music." "Yeah?" replied the man. "We're only here to see our dog."
What's better than 10 dead babies in 1 bag? 1 dead baby in 10 bags.
Hey, did you hear about the cannibal who arrived late to the dinner party? They gave him the cold shoulder!
Q: What's the difference between your wife and your job? A: After 10 years the job still sucks.
A family brings their elderly mother to a nursing home. The nurses bathe her and set her in a chair at a window. After a while, she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately straighten her up. Again, she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back to put her upright. This goes on all morning. Later, the family arrives and asks, "Are they treating you all right?" "It's pretty nice," the old woman replies. "Except they won't let you fart."
What did the mother vampire say to her daughter when she picked up a tampon? "Honey, no in-between meal snacks!"
A cowboy rides in the desert and comes upon a Native American lying naked with a hard-on. He asks, "What are you doing?" The naked man replies, "I'm finding out the time -- it is 12:15." The cowboy looks at his watch and thinks, "Wow, it really is 12:15." The cowboy continues and sees another Native American lying naked with a hard-on. He asks, "What are you doing?" The naked man replies, "I'm seeing what time it is -- it is 3:15." The cowboy looks at his watch and that is the correct time. The cowboy continues and finds a third Native American lying naked on the ground, masturbating. The cowboy asks what he's doing and he replies, "I'm winding my watch."
What has 4 legs and one arm? A Doberman in a children’s playground!