Jeremy and Kris walk down the street and see a dog licking himself.
Jeremy says, "Man, I wish I could do that!"
Kris replies, "I think you'd have to pet him first."
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Q: What do Rodney King and Nicole Simpson have in common?
A: They just didn't listen
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A guy walks into a bar and announces that he can close his eyes and name what kind of alcohol he is drinking and how old it is, just by taste and smell.
A drunken guy at the bar says, "I bet I can give you a drink that you can't name."
"You're on," replies the guy, "as long as you pay."
So the drunken guy puts a drink on the table.
The guy sips it, gags and spits it out.
"This tastes like piss!"
"Yeah," says the drunken guy, "now guess how old I am."
Two monsters went to a Halloween party.
Suddenly one said to the other, "A lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?"
The other monster replied, "Be a gentleman and roll them back to her."
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Q: What is better than winning a medal at the Para-olympics?
A: Having two legs.
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Two brothers, Bob and Tom, both work for a lumberyard.
One day, Bob tells Tom that he can tell what any piece of wood is just by smelling it.
Unbelieving, Tom blindfolds Bob and proceeds to test the theory.
The first piece of wood Bob smells, he instantly identifies as maple.
The second piece Bob instantly identifies as walnut.
Tom cannot believe Bob can really do this, so he takes an old piece of wood and whispers to the secretary to rub the wood between her legs. She happily runs it up in her crotch.
Tom hands the piece of wood to Bob.
Bob smells it three times.
"I am stumped. But I would have to guess that this wood is either a pussywillow or a shingle from a shithouse."
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There were these two bums and they were hungry when they came across road kill.
The first bum went down to eat it when he looked up at his friend and said, "Oh I'm sorry, would you like some?"
He replied, "No I think I'll wait."
So they continue down the road and the first bum said, "Look - some more road kill, I'm still hungry. How about you?"
His friend replied, "No, not yet, I think I'll wait."
The first bum ate the road kill.
Shortly after, his eyes rolled back and he puked the whole thing back up on the street.
Seconds later, his friend dove in and ate every last slickery drop of the puke.
The first bum said, "I thought you weren't hungry?"
His friend replied, "I was always hungry, I just wanted a warm meal."
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Q: What's the ultimate rejection?
A: When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
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Q: Why did the cowboy have sh*t in his mustache?
A: Cuz he'd been lookin for love in all the wrong places.
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Q: How many hipsters does it take to flush a toilet?
A: You can't touch that toilet, it's art.
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Two flies sit on a pile of poop.
One fly passes gas.
The other fly looks at him and says, "Hey do you mind? I'm eating here."
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