There was a young man from Peru Who fell asleep in a canoe He dreamt that Venus was strokin' his penis And woke with a handfull of goo
What is the differance between a dead baby and a VHS tape? The VHS tape don't stink when you leave it out in the sun.
Q: What's a good holiday tip? A: Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone south for the winter.
I have a green nose, three red mouths, and four purple ears. What am I? Ugly!
Fart Glossary: ART FART= it's such a beauty you want to immortalize it on canvas. ARROGANT FART= When you think your farts don't stink. ASSUALT FART= A sudden attack that shoots virtual flames out your arse. TIRE FART= You can't control the blow out. BEER FARTS= These come out of every 'can' and smell like warm beer. JAIL FART= Been doing time inside you for quite awhile, and finally makes its great escape. DONKEY FART= Your ass is the only one that can do it. GHOST FART= You can't hear it, you can't see it, and you can't smell it. HOME ALONE FART= When you're home alone and a great one is wasted on no one. SHOE FART= When you bend over to tie your shoe laces and one escapes. TANK FART= When you refer to your farts as 'gas'. OLD FART= You know how old it is by how bad it smells. BRAIN FART= You need to fart, but nothing comes out. ALZHEIMER FART= A confused fart that heads the wrong way, and becomes a burp. NOT-ME FART= When you drop a bomb in a crowded elevator, turn around to the person behind you and give a disgusted look and whisper "PIG!" U.F.O. FART= When someone farts in crowded room, label it as a "Unidentified Foul Odor".
Prostitute 1: Tonight's my night I can smell c**k in the air. Prostitute 2: Oh, sorry. I burped.
Three men walk into a bar. The barman tells them, "If you can sit in my basement for a day, I'll give you free beer forever." The first man walks out after five minutes and says, "It's impossible, you got a swarm of flies in there." So the second man tries his luck, but can't take more than an hour. Finally, the third man goes down. When he returns a day later, the others ask him how he did it. He says, "Easy! I took a dump in one corner and sat in the other corner!"
Q: Did you hear about the couple that "96ed?" A: After they "69ed" they rolled over and sh*t in each other's hair.
Three guys begin work at a toothbrush company as salesmen. Each day, two of the guys sell twenty toothbrushes each, and the third guy consistently sells two hundred. The other two guys are jealous, but they can't figure out his secret. Then, one day, they run into him at the mall, where he's set up a tobacco dip sample table. "This is your secret?" says the first guy. "Try some dip," says the third. They both take a little bit o' dip. "Ech!" says the second guy. "This tastes like s**t!" "It is s**t. Would you like to buy a toothbrush?"
Q: What does a Polish bride get on her wedding night that's long and hard? A: A new last name.
Q: What do women and cats have in common? A: Pussy farts.