I went to blockbusters last night and asked if I could borrow Batman Forever.
The bloke at the counter said, "NO you have to bring it back tomorrow!"
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A photographer goes to a haunted castle determined to get a picture of a ghost on Halloween.
The ghost he encounters turns out to be friendly and poses for a snapshot.
The happy photographer later downloads his photos and finds that the photos are underexposed and completely blank.
Moral of the story: The spirit is willing, but the flash is weak.
Life Lemons Saying:
White Guy: When Life gives you lemons enjoy them with friends.
Black Guy: When Life gives you lemons sell them, buy a gun, point it at life and say "More lemons mother Fucker".
A son and the dad are walking around on the streets.
The dad stops the son and says, "Son, if you don't stop masturbating, you are going to go blind."
The son says, "Dad! I'm over here!"
A man sits on a bus looking ashamed.
The man next to him notices and asks what is wrong.
He says that when he went to buy the bus ticket, the woman serving him had the most unbelievable breasts, so he got flustered and asked for two tickets to Tittsburgh instead of Pittsburgh.
The man next to him laughs, "Don't worry about that. We all make Freudian slips. This morning I was having breakfast with my wife. I meant to say, 'Pass the salt,' but I accidently said, 'You f**king bitch, you ruined my life.'"
Two skeletons meet, and one asks the other, "Did you die before the Social Security reform, or after?"
"No, I'm still alive."
Vote:
Could you imagine if God turns out to be a woman ?
Not only am I going to hell, but I will never know why.
Q: Wanna hear a joke?
A: Women's Rights.
In 1996, Florida physical therapist Paul Shimkonis sued his local nudie bar claiming whiplash from a lap dancer's large breasts.
Shimkonis felt he suffered physical harm and mental anguish from the breasts, which he claimed felt like "cement blocks" hitting him.
Shimkonis sought justice in the amount of $15,000, which was denied.
Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life.
Vote:
A senior Catholic Priest in Kenya was dying in a hospital and for his death wish he asked to see the local MP and the county Governor.
Within hours, the two arrived.
He asked them to sit on either side of the bed.
The priest held their hands and kept quiet.
The politicians were so touched and at the same time felt very important for being summoned by a senior and well respected priest in his dying moment.
Out of anxiety, the Governor asked, 'But why did ask for me and Mheshimiwa?'
The priest gathered all his strength and held their hands even tighter.
Then with his eyes still closed, he mumbled 'Jesus died between two thieves. My only wish is to die the same way.'
Minutes later as the silence enveloped the hospital room, the priest took his last breath.