A woman and her friend are visiting the zoo. They are standing in front of the big silver back gorillas cage when one woman makes a gesture that the gorilla interprets as an invitation. He grabs her, yanks her over the fence, and takes her to his nest in the pen. There he ravishes her and makes passionate love to her for about 2 hours till he is tranquilized, and the lady taken to hospital. Her friend, deeply concerned, visits her the next day. “Are you hurt?” she asks. She replies, “Of course I’m hurt! He hasn’t called! He hasn’t written!”
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, wine and dine her, buy gifts for her, listen to her, respect her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her. HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN Arrive naked... with beer.
A Male patient just recovered successfully from a sex threatening health attack. He was wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose and laying on hospital bed. An young nurse came to cleanse his body with sponge. The patient mumbled, “Are my testicles black?” Nurse replied, “I don’t know Sir, I am just setting you clean” The patient repeated again, “Are my testicles black?” Nurse was quite embarrassed to answer the question and said “Sir everything should be OK” The patient just kept on asking again and again, “Are my testicles black?” Nurse could not bear a patient concerned so much. So she raised his gown, moved her hand to find and grab his penis and testicle, moved it all around, checked very closely and suddenly man ejaculated on nurse’s hand. The man pulls off his oxygen mask, embarrassed at the fiasco says loudly enough, “Ma’am, Thanks but I still need to know 'Are my tests results back?’”
Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance. Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at maturity of a 12 years old. He stated that it was OK because he loved her so much. “I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married.” She said, “Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant penis.” Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait so Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touch teasing, holding one another. As Sandy put her hands in Jim’s pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room! Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong. She said, “You told me your penis was the size of an infant!” “Yes it is: 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long!”
Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit live in the same forest, but they don't like each other. One day, they come across a golden frog who offers them three wishes each. Mr. Bear wishes that all the other bears in the forest were female. Mr. Rabbit wishes for a crash helmet. Mr. Bear's second wish is that all the bears in the neighboring forests were female as well. Mr. Rabbit wishes for a motorcycle. Mr. Bear's final wish is that all the other bears in the world were female, leaving him the only male bear in the world. Mr. Rabbit revs the engine of his motorcycle and says, "I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!" and rides off.
A man was shaving in the bathroom when all of a sudden bubba, the boy he payed to mow his lawn comes in to take a piss. Well, the man cant help but look over his shoulder and he is surprised, "bubba, whats your secret?" Bubba says"well, every night before i go to get in bed with a woman i whack my dick on the bedpost three times." So the man decides to try it that very night. So he got to bed and whacked his dick on the bedpost three times and the wife wakes up and says"bubba, is that you?"
I told my crush at school, "If you love me, come wearing red tomorrow." The next day she came in wearing black! When she dropped her pen and she bent over to pick it up, I got a look up her skirt at her red thong. Moral of the story: she really loves me underneath it all.
“Doc, I think my son has VD,” a patient told his urologist on the phone, “The only woman he’s screwed is our maid.” “Okay, don’t be hard on him. He’s just a kid,” the medic soothed, “Get him in here right away and I’ll take care of him.” “But I’ve been screwing the maid too, and I’ve got the same symptoms he has.” “Then you come in with him and I’ll fix you both up,” replied the doctor. “Well,” the man admitted, “I think my wife has it too.” “Oh crap!” the physician roared, “That means we’ve all got it!”
At a government affair, the wives of four world leaders are chatting about how people refer to a penis in their countries. The wife of Tony Blair says in England people call it a gentleman, because it stands up when women are entering. The wife of Boris Yeltsin says in Russia you call it a patriot, because you never know if it will hit you on the front or on the back side. The wife of Chirac says in France you call it a curtain, because it goes down after the act. With great resignation, the wife of Clinton says in the USA you call it a rumor, because it goes from mouth to mouth…
Sixth grade science teacher Mrs. Samson asks her class: "Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?" Nobody raises a hand, so she calls on the first student to look her way. "Mary, can you tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?" Mary stands up, blushing furiously. "How dare you ask such a question?" she says. "I'm going to complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal, who will have you fired!" Mrs. Sampson is shocked by Mary's reaction, but undaunted. She asks the class the question again, and this time Sam raises his hand. "Yes, Sam?" says Mrs. Sampson. "Ma'am, the correct answer is the iris of the human eye." "Very good, Sam. Thank you." Mrs. Sampson then turns to Mary and says, "Mary, I have 3 things to tell you: first, it's clear that you have not done your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, I fear one day you are going to be sadly disappointed."
A hunter goes into the woods to hunt a bear. He carries his trusty 22-gauge rifle with him. After a while, he spots a very large bear, takes aim, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone. A moment later, the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, “No one shoots at me and gets away with it. You have two choices: I can rip your throat out and eat you, or you can drop your trousers, bend over, and I’ll [insert appropriate colloquialism for sodomy here].” The hunter decides that anything is better than death, so he drops his trousers and bends over; and the bear does what he said he would do. After the bear has left, the hunter pulls up his trousers and staggers back into town. He’s pretty mad. He buys a much larger gun and returns to the forest. He sees the same bear, aims, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone. A moment later the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, “You know what to do.” Afterward, the hunter pulls up his trousers, crawls back into town, and buys a bazooka. Now he’s really mad. He returns to the forest, sees the bear, aims, and fires. The force of the bazooka blast knocks him flat on his back. When the smoke clears, the bear is standing over him and says, “You’re not doing this for the hunting, are you?”