Q: What do you call a prostitute with her hand down her skirt? A: Self-employed.
Police arrested Joe Bloggs, a 27-year old white male and resident of Wimbledon UK, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38pm Friday. Bloggs will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the County courthouse on Monday. The suspect allegedly stated that after a night of drinking, as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview from the County courthouse jail. Bloggs went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, poked a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need." "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process, Bloggs apparently failed to notice the Wimbledon Municipal police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until Officer B.T. approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure." said Officer BT. "I walked up to (Bloggs) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin". BT went on to describe what happened when she approached Bloggs: "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me, sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?' He got real surprised as you'd expect and then looked me straight in the face and said, 'A pumpkin? Damn...is it midnight already?'"
I saw a sign in a public toilet the other day. It said "Please leave this toilet in the condition that you would have liked to have found it in." So I left it with a porn mag and a line of coke ...
How does a gay man fake an orgasm? He spits on his partners back.
A kid walks by his parents having sex asks what's going on and his mother tells him, "We are making fishsticks". The next day the kid says, "Mom were you making fishsticks again?" And she says "Why, yes, how did you know, honey?" And the kid replies, "Well, you have a little tarter sauce on your mouth."
Whats the similarity between getting a bl*wjob from an 80 year old and walking the tightrope ? In both cases you really dont want to look down !
There is this guy and he wants to marry a girl but he is bad at choosing girls so he has a contest. First one to get as many ping pong balls as they can is my wife. The first girl brings back a whole bucket of them. the guy goes good, good. The 2 girl brings back a truck load of ping pong balls. He says, "Wow that will be hard to beat." Then the 3 girl comes back all bloody and bruised and is holding 2 big bloody things. The guy says, "What are those, I said ping pong balls." "Oh,"Says the 3 girl, "I thought you said King Kong's balls."
A mother was arguing with her teenager and finally she reaches breaking point and blurts out, " I should swallowed you when i had the chance!"
Q: What did the hard boiled egg say to the boiling water? A: I can't get a hard-on because I was just layed.
What did the leper say to the prostitute? Keep the tip.
Q: Why did the man put condoms on his ears during sex? A: He didn't want to get hearing aids.