What's the difference between a man and an ox?
Fifteen pounds and a six-pack.
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How do you know a man is really a bad dancer?
When he can still step on Dolly Parton's toes.
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
A couple who drove their car to K-Mart only to have their car breakdown in the parking lot.
The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car.
The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car.
On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis.
Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.
Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward and tucked everything back into place.
On regaining her feet she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.
The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.
It's Halloween and when the man answers his door, there's a well-dressed young boy there wearing a suit and matching tie, who says "Trick or treat".
The man's a bit confused so he asks the boy what he's dressed up as.
"I'm an IRS agent", says the boy, and with that, he snatches 40% of the candy, and leaves without saying thank you.
I only wanted to have a child, not marry one.
Q: How do you piss off a man?
A: Stand on his back and piss.
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I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?'
So he gave me a kite.
Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?
Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.