Joke #79

Definition of a man with manners – he gets out of the bath to pee.

There is a beautiful desert island in the middle of nowhere where the following people are stranded: 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman 2 French men and 1 French woman 2 German men and 1 German woman 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman 2 English men and 1 English woman 2 Macedonian men and 1 Macedonian woman. One month later on this beautiful desert island in the middle of nowhere... The first Italian man killed the other for the Italian woman. The 2 French men and the French woman are living happily together in a "menage a trois". The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman. The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them. The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman. The Macedonian men took one look at the endless ocean, one look at the Macedonian woman and started swimming.

Q: How big is a Republican-size bed? A: Wide enough for the man, the woman, and the ten-foot pole.

A couple who drove their car to K-Mart only to have their car breakdown in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.

Being a man definitely has its perks... 1. Your backside is never a factor in a job interview. 2. Your orgasms are real. Always. 3. Your last name stays put. 4. The garage is all yours. 5. Wedding plans take care of themselves. 6. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from having an elicit affair. 7. Car mechanics tell you the truth. 8. You don't give a hoot if no one notices your new haircut. 9. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area. 10. Same work .. more pay. 11. Wrinkles-add character. 12. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments. 13. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100. 14. If you retain water, it's in a canteen. 15. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them. 16. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. 17. One mood, ALL the time. 18. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds. 19. A five-day vacation requires only 1 suitcase. 20. You can open all your own jars. 21.You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. 22. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack. 23. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices. 24. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat. 25. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. 26. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me." 27. No maxi-pads. 28. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends. 29. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors. 30. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. 31. You are unable to see wrinkles in clothes. 32. The same hair style lasts for years, maybe decades. 33. Your belly usually hides your big hips. 34. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons. 35. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. 36. Christmas shopping can be done for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 15 minutes. 37. The world is your urinal.

Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?" Woman: "Unfertilized."

Two couples are playing cards. John accidentally drops some cards on the floor. When he bends down under the table to pick them up, he notices that Bill's wife isn't wearing any underwear. Later, John goes into the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife follows him and asks, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" John admits that he did. She says, "You can have it, but it will cost you $100." They decide that John should come to her house around 2 p.m. on Friday while Bill is at work. On Friday, John arrives at 2 p.m. He pays Bill's wife $100. They go to the bedroom, have sex and then John leaves. When Bill comes home at 6 p.m., he asks his wife, "Did John come by this afternoon?" Reluctantly, she replies, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes." Next Bill asks, "Did he give you $100?" She thinks, "Oh hell, he knows!" Finally she says, "Well, yes, he did give me $100." "Good," Bill says. "John came by the office this morning and borrowed $100 from me. He said that he would stop by our house on his way home and pay me back."

A man has 6 items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking? They already have boyfriends.

One morning while his wife was making breakfast, a man walked up to her and gave her a healthy pinch on her butt. He said to her, "If you firmed up your butt we could get rid of your girdle." The wife was angry but said nothing. The next morning her husband pinched her breast and said, "If you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra." The wife grabbed her husband's penis and replied, "and if you firmed this up we could get rid of the mailman, the gardener, the pool man, and your brother!"

The Perfect Man: - wakes up at 5 am everyday - exercises everyday - makes his own bed - cleans his room - works sincerely - does not touch alcohol - helps in the kitchen - does not indulge in night life - always punctual - prays daily - hits the bed at 9 pm sharp Such a perfect man can only be found in jail.