Mommy, mommy, I don't want to visit grandma today! "Shut up and keep digging, boy."
A haggard old lady rides in a fancy hotel's elevator. On the second floor, a beautiful woman steps on and arrogantly says to the old lady, "Georgio, $100 an ounce." On the next floor, an equally beautiful women steps on and says, "Chanel, $150 an ounce." The old lady's floor approaches and as the doors open, she bends over, farts and says, "Broccoli, 49 cents a pound."
Q: What's grosser than gross? A: Two vampires fighting over a used tampon.
Q: How is a pussy like a grapefruit? A: The best ones squirt when you eat them.
Did you hear about the midget that went into the whorehouse? He got a twat in the face.
A man farts in bed next to his wife. His wife asks, "What in the world was that?" He replies, "Touchdown. I'm winning, seven nothing." She decides to get even, so she lets one loose. He yells at her, "What was that?" She replies, "Touchdown, tie score." He wants to get her back, but he tries so hard he sh*ts in bed. The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?" He replies, "Halftime, switch sides."
How do you unload a truck of zombie babies? With a pitchfork.
Q: What do you get when you mix cigarettes with hot water? A: A soggy butt.
Q: Whats the height of desperation? A: A vampire sucking blood from a sanitary napkin.
Hey, did you hear about the cannibal who arrived late to the dinner party? They gave him the cold shoulder!
Q: Why did the bald man cut holes in his pockets? A: He wanted to run his fingers through his hair.