A diner complained, "Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!"
His waiter replied, "That's entirely possible; our cook used to be a tailor." 
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Justin Bieber puked on stage.
That settles it, she's pregnant.
Englishman, Scottish man and Irishman selling bibles door to door, they have a bet who will sell the most in a day.
They meet up at end of day and Englishman has sold 2, Scottish man had sold 3, but the Irishman who had a terrible stutter says hhhee hhhee hhhad sssold ssssixty. The other two asked how did he do it.
He said, "Wwwhen Iiiii nnnnnnknock aaaat thththe ddddooor I said: Do you wwwwwant tto bbbuy a bbbbbible ooooorrr shshshould Iiii jjjust rrrread it tttto yyyyou?"
What do a gynecologist, and a pizza delivery guy have in common?
They both can smell it, but they can't eat it!
How do elves greet each other?
"Small world, isn't it?"
Q: What's the distinction between getting a divorce and getting circumcised?
A: When you get a divorce, you dispose of the entire prick.
You are so selfish!
You're going to have that body the rest of your life and I just want it for one night.
Did you hear about that music composer who commited suicide?
He didn't even leave a note.
Two skeletons meet, and one asks the other, "Did you die before the Social Security reform, or after?"
"No, I'm still alive."
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Doctor: "You have trouble with your throat? Have you ever gargled with salt water?"
Patient: "Yes. In last summer, I was almost drowned while swimming."
Chuck Norris has only used the 'Total Gym' twice in his life.
When his eyes are open - and when they are closed.
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