Joke #889

I would kick you straight in the vagina... If I wasn't afraid of losing my shoe.

The fingers of my girlfriend were in my pants; I asked her "Is it thick?" She said "yes dear." Again I asked: "Is it warm?" She replied: "yes honey." Then I asked: "Is it soft?" She said, "yes of course." "It is my shit!" I told her.

Johny is the first day in jail in the cell with one mighty and a crazy prisoner and this crazy prisoner tells Johny: "You probably do not know that on the first day must every new prisoner must pass over the so-called welcome´s ceremonial. Ok, so I ask you directly. Do you want it with cream or without the cream?" Johny says: "I want it with creme, of course." The crazy prisoner yells and says: "Cremo, come here, please."

Q: How do you circumcise a whale? A: With four skin-divers.

Wife says to husband, "You make love like you decorate." Husband replies, "What very slow and professional?" "NO,"she replies, "I have to finish the job myself."

Yo mama so fat, when your dad tried eating your mom's pussy his head stuck in.

One day a Jew was giving an Asian a blowjob, then, the Asian said do you have homework. The Jew said no and they continued the blowjob. Adam was waiting outside for a long time before he decided to walk in. He walked in to find the Jew getting it up the bum. Adam decided he wanted to get some action too, so he walked up and took a swing at the Asian. The Asian died and then the Jew yelled Aluakbah and bombed everyone. Note: they were all boys.

A guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop. After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch; it doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?" "I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot." "Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me." "I understand every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent and thoroughly educated bird." "Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?" "Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked, I will tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers." "Wow," says the guy, "you really can understand and answer; can't you?" "Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. And I am especially good at ornithology. You should buy me; I am a great companion." The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. He says. "I can't afford that." "Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. "Nobody wants me because I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20.00; just make an offer." The guy offers twenty dollars and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by and the parrot is sensational. He's funny; he's interesting; he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, and gives good advice. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Pssst," and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the cage. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not," says the parrot, "but it's about your lover and the mailman." "What?" asks the guy. "Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today, your lover greeted him in a pair of briefs that showed everything and kissed him on the mouth." "What happened then?" asks the guy. "Then the mailman came into the house and put his hand on your lovers crotch and began petting him all over," reports the parrot. "My God!" the guy says. "Then what?" "Then he pulled down the briefs, got down on his knees and began to lick him, starting with his chest, slowly going down and down." The parrot pauses for a long time... "What happened? What happened?" says the frantic guy. "That's what pisses me off. I don't know." said the parrott. "I got a hard-on, and fell off my fucking perch."

I never drink water… fish f**k in it.

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads: Cheese Sandwich: $1.50 Chicken Sandwich: $2.50 Hand Job: $10.00 He checks his wallet and beckons to the sexy bartender. "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" he asks. "Yes," she purrs. "I am." "Well, wash your frickin' hands," says the man. "I want a cheese sandwich!"

There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench. The little girl says "Mommy what are they doing?" The mother hesitates then quickly replies "Ummm... they are making cakes. now come on, we'll go to the Zoo" At the Zoo, the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother "What are they doing?" And her mother replies with the same response, "They are making cakes. Thats it we're going home" The next day the girl says to her mother "Mommy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the living room last night, weren't you?" Shocked, the Mother says, "What? How do you know?" She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa."