Everyone should stop hating on Lance Armstrong.
He won 7 Toure De France's on DRUGS!
When I'm on drugs, I can't even FIND my bicycle.
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A drunk man was smoking drugs while driving.
The policeman stop him and says, "Show me you ID?"
The drunk man, "What drugs?"
A boxer is whining to the doctor that he can’t sleep.
I won’t give you any drugs, you don’t need any.
Use the classical method, the one with counting the sheep’s.
I tried.
But, every time I get to 9 I jump off the bed.
Drunk guy gets pulled over.
Officer starts doing sobriety tests on him.
The final test the officer says "if you can pass this last test I will let u go... use the words green pink and yellow in 1 sentence."
So the drunk man replies "My phone went green and I pinked it up and said yellow. Have a nice day officer!"
Vote:
"Johny, what is the difference between being sober and being drunken?"
Johny: "When I was drunk I didn't need to buy a ticket to the carousel."
"Ok, and when you were sober and wanted to go to the carousel what has happened then?"
"The carousel man needed to center the whole carousel, of course.
The left half of the carousel was for me and the right one for all the small children."
Vote:
When Chuck Norris plays dodge ball... the balls dodge him.
Vote:
At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old football players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is?
What a team is?"
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"
The little boy nodded yes.
"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when a foul is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, or attack the referee.
Do you understand all that?"
Again the little boy nodded.
He continued, "And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a worthless idiot' is it?''
Again the little boy nodded.
"Good," said the coach.
"Now go over there and explain all that to your parents."
Peter: Why was the Olympian not able to listen to music?
Matthew: Why?
Peter: Because he broke the record!
I think that it is better to give that to get.
You have a very generous thinking.
Are you a humanitarian?
No, I’m a boxer.
Q: How many Irishmen does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two - one to hold the bulb, and one to drink until the room starts spinning.
Vote:
A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink rapidly.
“Is everything okay, pal?”, the bartender asks.
“My wife and I got into a fight and she said she isn’t talking to me for a month!”.
Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, “Well, maybe that’s kind of a good thing.
You know, a little peace and quiet?”
“Yeah. But today is the last day”.