Q: Why are politicians like diapers?
A: Both should be changed regularly and for the same reason.
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Work emails are like the gym.
You sign up for it thinking it will be loads of fun.
You get bored of it within hours.
You only keep going to keep up your reputation.
The more you stay away, the harder it is to go back.
Somebody knocks on door:
Who is there?
Police?
What do you want?
We want to talk.
How many of you are there?
Two.
So talk with each other.
Willow Smith is 11 and has a tongue ring, half her head shaved and is bisexual.
She needs to go live with her Aunty and Uncle in Bel-Air.
A son and the dad are walking around on the streets.
The dad stops the son and says, "Son, if you don't stop masturbating, you are going to go blind."
The son says, "Dad! I'm over here!"
What do you call it when Miley Cyrus falls down?
Hoe-Down.
Justin Bieber got 100,000 retweets for tweeting "Live life full".
That's just 3 random words.
I'm going to try now.
Jockstrap squirrel potatoes.
What did the Zen Buddist say to the hotdog vendor?
Make me one with everything.
Where are you going for vacation this year?
I checked my budget and decided that I didn't get tired.
Do you know what a plateau is?
It's the highest form of flattery!
Guy gets pulled over in his car by a pair of dudes in balaclavas, pointing guns in his face.
Terrorist (menacing voice): "Are you a Catholic or a Protestant?"
Driver, panicking, doesn't know which answer will save his life, has a bright idea.
Driver: "Neither, actually. In fact I'm Jewish."
Terrorist shouts to other terrorist: "Fucking hell Abdul, we've got one at last!"