Q: What is height of forgetfulness? A: Seeing the mirror and trying to recollect when you saw him / her last.
"Doctor, please hurry. My son swallowed a razor-blade." "Don't panic, I'm coming immediately. Have you done anything yet?" "Yea, I shaved with the electric razor."
Don’t steal, don’t lie and don’t cheat. The government hates competition.
Did you hear about the scarecrow who won the Nobel Prize? He was outstanding in his field.
After losing his fortune, a Texas oilman decided to spend his last twenty bucks at a whorehouse. He entered and promptly went up to the Madam and asked her what he could get for $20. The Madam gave him a lengthy stare and told him to go upstairs, last door on the left. He proceeded to march up the stairs and entered the room. To his shock and pleasure he saw a beautiful blonde waiting naked on the bed. So he tore off his clothes and jumped on and started pumping away for dear life. Upon orgasm he noticed that stuff started oozing out of her eyeballs. He runs down to the Madam to report this and she looks at him turns around and yells, "Hey Charlie....... The dead one's full again!"
I went to blockbusters last night and asked if I could borrow Batman Forever. The bloke at the counter said, "NO you have to bring it back tomorrow!"
Always be yourself! Unless you can be Batman - then always be Batman
Knock Knock. Who's there? Opportunity. Don't be silly - opportunity doesn't knock twice!
You WILL be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
The government shutdown has officially lasted longer than any of Taylor Swift's relationships.
What We Learn From the Movies: It is always possible to park directly in front of any building you are visiting. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty. If you start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps. Most laptops are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts, your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one, dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors. After a person suffers a massive blow to the head, they will still be surprisingly good looking. No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock. Partnering police officers with their total opposites will always, eventually, lead to buddy teams who share unbreakable bonds and gruff affection.