I was walking down the street to a video store last night to rent a porno movie when I saw a woman being raped.
Saved myself a fiver.
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My wife and I had been debating whether it was time to start a family when we saw a couple of cute kids, splashing and giggling in a paddling pool.
I looked at her and said, "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"
She smiled and said, "Yes, Gary..."
"That settles it, then," I replied. "We can't raise children if we're both paedos."
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What would it take to reunite the Beatles?
Two more bullets.
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Q: What's a terrorists favorite American football team?
A: The New York Jets.
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Q: What did the deaf, blind, mute girl get for Christmas?
A: Cancer.
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If you want to feed an injured woodpecker, take it by the tail and hit it to the tree.
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They say the surest way to a man's heart is through the stomach.
But personally, I find going through the ribcage a lot easier.
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An Arabic kid joined my football team.
All he did was blow the plays.
Two Arabs are sitting in the Gaza Strip chatting over a pint of goats milk.
One pulls his wallet out and starts flipping through pictures and they start reminiscing.
"This is my oldest son.
He's a martyr.
"Here's my second son.
He's a martyr too!"
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Arab wistfully says , They blow up so fast, don't they?"
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Q: What's the hardest part about eating a vegetable?
A: Getting her out of the wheelchair.
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Q: Why do German shower heads have 11 holes?
A: Jews have 10 fingers.
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