What newspaper do cows read? The Daily Moos.
This guy walks into a bar with his golden retriever. "Hey, can I get a drink on the house if my dog talks for you?" "Dogs can't talk, pal. But if you can prove to me yours does, I'll give you a drink. If not, I get to punch you in the nose." "Okay," says the guy. He turns to his dog. "Okay fella. Tell me -- what is on top of your doghouse?" "Roof!" The man turns and smiles at the bartender. "THAT ain't talking! Any dog can bark!" "Okay boy. Tell me -- how does sandpaper feel?" "Ruff!" "What are you tryin' to pull, mister?" "Okay, okay," says the man. "One more question please. Okay buddy, tell me -- who is the greatest ball player who ever lived?" "Ruth." The bartender beats the heck out of the guy and throws him onto the sidewalk outside of the bar, then throws the dog out next to him. The dog stands up and looks at the guy. "Geez. D'ya think I shoulda said DiMaggio?"
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a tadpole and turned it into a frog, then he kicked it again and it died.
Chuck Norris can light ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At Night.
What do you get if you cross a longhorn with a knight? Sir Loin.
Have you seen the offices of the RSPCA? It’s tiny; you couldn’t swing a cat in there.
I love my cat. My cat does not care.
A man enters a little country store and sees a sign reading, ‘Danger! Beware of Dog’. He then sees an old hound dog lying asleep on the floor. ‘Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?’ says the man to the shopkeeper. ‘Yep,’ replies the shopkeeper. ‘Before I posted that sign, everyone kept tripping over him.’
Q: Why do gorillas have big noses? A: Because they have big fingers!
"Did you hear about the farmer who lost control of his tractor in the cow pasture?" "No." "Did he hurt the cows?" "No, he just grazed them."
What happens when the cows refuse to be milked? Udder chaos.