A lawyer trying to get tickets to a Broadway show, finally settled for a couple of seats a year in advance. When the exciting night arrived and he sat down in his seat, a woman in front of the lawyer noticed the empty seat next to him and asked why such a valuable commodity was unused. The lawyer replied that his wife couldn't make it. The woman asked him if he didn't have relatives or friends who could have used the seat. He replied, "Oh, they're all at the funeral."
A command was given to a dog: "SPEAK!" The dog said in return: "Not without my lawyer present!"
What do you call Satan and a lawyer? Twins!
How come sharks don’t attack lawyers? From professional courtesy.
An airliner is having engine trouble. The pilot instructs the cabin crew to prepare for an emergency landing. A few minutes later the pilot asks the flight attendants if everyone is buckled in and ready. ‘All set back here, Captain,’ comes the reply. ‘Except one lawyer. He’s still going around passing out business cards.’
Q: What is the ideal weight of a lawyer? A: About three pounds, including the urn.
What is the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? The vampire sucks you’re blood only at midnight!
Down in the bayou, Bubba called an attorney and asked, "Is it true they're suin' the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer? "Yes, Bubba, sure is true." responded the lawyer.
Q: And do you have a lock on your locker? A: Yes sir.
Q: And do you have a locker in that room? A: Yes sir, I do.