The best jokes about life

Fast way to screw up someone's Knock Knock joke...? "It's open."
Vote: has 79.85 % from 149 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: life, knock-knock
I'm going to stand outside. So if anyone asks, I am outstanding.
Vote: has 79.78 % from 731 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: life
What is the difference between pressure, anxiety and panic attacks? You have pressure when your wife is pregnant. You are anxious when your girlfriend is pregnant. You have panic attacks when both of them are pregnant!
Vote: has 79.77 % from 66 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: life, wife, baby
A pretty lady is standing on the side of a bridge, looking over it and thinking about jumping off. A homeless alcoholic man comes up to her as he was walking nearby. The lady notices the man coming and says: "Go away! There's nothing you can say to me to change my mind, you cannot help me." "Well, if you're going to kill yourself anyway, why don't we have sex? At least I'll enjoy it" replies the man. "No way, you're disgusting, go away." The homeless man turns and starts walking away. The lady thinks: "Is that all you were going to say to me? Nothing more? Won't you try to convince me that life is worth living that I should not jump off? Where are you going?" The homeless man thinks: "I have to make it down to the bottom. If I hurry, you'll still be warm."
Vote: has 79.76 % from 171 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: black humor, alcohol, sex, disgusting, life
A man sits on a bus looking ashamed. The man next to him notices and asks what is wrong. He says that when he went to buy the bus ticket, the woman serving him had the most unbelievable breasts, so he got flustered and asked for two tickets to Tittsburgh instead of Pittsburgh. The man next to him laughs, "Don't worry about that. We all make Freudian slips. This morning I was having breakfast with my wife. I meant to say, 'Pass the salt,' but I accidently said, 'You f**king bitch, you ruined my life.'"
Vote: has 79.75 % from 47 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: men, women, wife, life
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. “Well,” said the Director, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.” “Oh, I understand,” said the visitor. “A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup. “No.” said the Director, “A normal person would pull the plug.” "Do you want a room with or without a view?"
Vote: has 79.75 % from 47 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: life, doctor
Yes, money cannot buy happiness, but it is much more comfortable to cry in a new BMW than on a bike.
Vote: has 79.73 % from 72 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: life
Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever. Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of the finest wine sitting on a table. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option." "Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. "That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!" "That's what everyone thinks" snickered Satan. "The bottle has a hole in it!" "What about the PC?" "It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan. "And it's missing three keys," "Which three?" "Control, Alt and Delete."
Vote: has 79.72 % from 90 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: IT, vulgar, computer, geek, life
Why It Sucks to Be an Egg... You only get laid once, you only get hard once, and when you DO finally get hard, it takes under three minutes and you're already in hot water.
Vote: has 79.60 % from 53 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: life, food
Kid to a pregnant girl at bus stop: "What are you expecting?" The girl says, "A bus." The kid turns to his friend and says: "Wow! I am 100% sure this chick got screwed by a Transformer!"
Vote: has 79.60 % from 164 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: life, sex, car, baby