The FAA has a device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. They point this thing at the windshield of the aircraft and shoot a dead chicken at about the speed the air-craft normally flies at it. If the windshield doesn't break, it's likely to survive a real collision with a bird during flight. The British had recently built a new locomotive that could pull a train faster than any before it. They were not sure that its windshield was strong enough so they borrowed the testing device from the FAA, reset it to approximate the maximum speed of the locomotive, loaded in the dead chicken, and fired. The bird went through the windshield, broke the engineer's chair, and made a major dent in the back wall of the engine cab. They were quite surprised with this result, so they asked the FAA to check the test to see if everything was done correctly. The FAA checked everything and suggested that they might want to repeat the test using a thawed chicken.
The results of in-depth studies have determined that the most often used sexual position for marriedcouples is the "doggie position". The husband sits up and begs and the wife rolls over and plays dead.
Mother to daughter advice: Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day. But teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.
A Ham sandwich walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food."
One day Dick Cheney, George Bush and Laura Bush were in a private jet going to France. Then, George Bush said, " If i throw this hundred dollar bill off this jet I'll make one person happy!" Then Dick Cheney said, " Man if i throw ten, ten dollar bills down, I'll make ten people happy!" Then Laura Bush said, " If I throw one hundred one dollar bills off this jet I'll make a hundred people happy." Then the pilot said, " Man, if I throw these 3 losers outta this jet, I'll make six billion people happy."
Life is like a box of chocolate. It doesn't last long for fat people.
Hilary Clinton, George Bush, Sarkozy, a boy and a monk were stuck on a plane that is falling fast. They are 5 but there are only 4 parachutes. Hilary said "I'm a woman, you cant leave a woman on a plane to die" so she took one and jumped. Bush said "I'm the smartest in the world, every one needs me" he took one and jumped. Sarkozy blabbed something in french that no one understood, he took one and jumped. The monk tells the boy "You take the last parachute, let me die" the boy said "Why? We can both jump." "How is that?" said the monk. The boy replies, "Because the so called smartest man Bush took my school bag and jumped!"
Justin Bieber got 100,000 retweets for tweeting "Live life full". That's just 3 random words. I'm going to try now. Jockstrap squirrel potatoes.
Back in my day, we didn't watch TV while we ate dinner. We actually talked to each other. It was awful!
Baby, baby, baby ooh! Mom: *walks in* Are you listening to Justin Bieber? Daughter: No, I'm watching porn. Mom: Oh, thank goodness.