One man's hobby was fishing, he spent all his weekends near the river or lake, paying no attention to weather. One Sunday, early in the morning, he went to the river, as usual. It was cold and raining, so he decided to return back to his house. He came in, went to his bedroom, undressed and laid near his wife. "What terrible weather today honey," he said to her. "Yes. And my idiot husband went fishing!" she replied.
Girl: What if a boy hugs me? Mom: Say Don't Girl: What if he kisses me? Mom: Say stop. The next day when the girl goes to school her boyfriend hugs and kisses her well so she says as her mother told her to do and she quickly said DON'T STOP!...
Which runs faster, hot or cold? Hot. Everyone can catch cold.
A reporter asked Chris Rock who do you think would win the presidency? He said quickly Obama. When asked why, he replied, has anyone ran a race with a Kenyan and won?
A Jehovah's Witnesses knocked on my door yesterday, so I answered it and asked if he wanted to come in he said, "Yeah, okay." I said I'm just making a cup of tea do you want one? He said, "Yeah, sure." I said I've just made some toast do you want a slice? He said, "Yeah, why not." I then he sat down and I asked him, "So what now?" He said, "I don't know I've never got this far before!"
I used to play tennis, baseball, basketball and chess, but I stopped after my son broke my playstation.
If my main parachute doesn't open and my reserve parachute doesn't open, how long till i hit the ground? The rest of your life...
Husband: Shall we try a new positon tonight? Wife: Sure. You stand by the ironing board, and I'll sit on the couch while drinking beer and farting.
The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks." "And did he?" "Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill."
Paddy got a job as a road line-painter. He paints 5 miles on the first day, 2 miles on the second day and 1 on the third day. "You get worse and worse every day!" yelled his boss. "That is because the bucket gets further and further away every day." said Paddy.