What did Mariah Carey really wanted to sing: "All I want for Christmas is you... to get hit by a reindeer."
What did the egg say to the boiling water? "How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago."
What do you find in a clean nose? Fingerprints!
During a recent staff meeting in Heaven, God, Moses, and Saint Peter concluded that the behavior of Ex-President Clinton and Representative Condit had brought about the need for an eleventh commandment. They worked long and hard in a brain-storming session to try to settle on the wording of the new commandment, because they realized that it should have the same style, majesty and dignity as the original ten. After many revisions, they finally agreed that the eleventh commandment should be: "Thou shalt not comfort thy rod with thy staff."
We have so many nationalities. It's gotten to the point now that you can go into any fast food place, and you can find out what kind of neighborhood you're in just by the ethnic group that works there. It's like, if Chinese people work there, you're in a Chinese neighborhood; if black people work there, you're in a black neighborhood; if white people work there, then you're in Utah.
Q: What is the most important rule in chemistry? A: Never lick the spoon!
A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102. Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old. The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly. The old-timer says, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out. You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France." The new man asked, "What happened?" "One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!"
Did you hear about the guy they found dead with his head in his cornflakes? The police thought it was a cereal killer.
Every night I play a game called "Should I pee or can I hold it till morning".
No! You don't have "Bad luck". You have low IQ and you make bad decisions.