One attractive young businesswoman to another over lunch: "My life is all math. I am trying to add to my income, subtract from my weight, divide my time, and avoid multiplying."
Funny Lists: Eight ways to say "Your Fly Is Open" 1. The cucumber has left the salad. 2. You've got Windows in your laptop. 3. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position. 4. Your pod bay door is open, Hal. 5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage. 6. Sailor Ned is trying to take a little shore leave. 7. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones. 8. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
-How is Ruth? -Not sure. I broke up with her last month. -Oh no. You're so Ruthless. -And how long have you been waiting to use that? -I'd rather not say.
Whats the difference between a jeweler and a jailer? One sells watches and one watches cells.
Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?
Ignorance can be educated. Crazy can be medicated. But there is no cure for stupidity...
Cessna pilot: "Tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel. Tower: "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide! Do you have the airfield in sight?" Cessna: "Uh...tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where the fuel truck is."
Patient: "Doctor, I can’t sleep." Doctor: "Lie at of edge of your bed and you will sleep off."
A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn’t been feeling well. The doctor examins him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills. The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water." Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, "Jeez doc, exactly what’s my problem?" The Doctor says, "You’re not drinking enough water."
A diner complained, "Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!" His waiter replied, "That's entirely possible; our cook used to be a tailor."