I watched Justin Bieber get shot in CSI and my brother asked "Why are you crying?" I said "Because he didn't die in real life"
An old couple celebrates their 50th wedding anniversary in their home. "Just think," the old man says, "we were sitting here at this same breakfast table, naked as jaybirds, 50 years ago." "Well," the old lady snickers, "what do you say, should we get naked?" The two immediately strip to the buff and sit back down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady says slyly, "My breasts burn for you now as they did 50 years ago." "I'm not surprised," replies the old man. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!"
I'm sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I really thought you already knew it.
A senior Catholic Priest in Kenya was dying in a hospital and for his death wish he asked to see the local MP and the county Governor. Within hours, the two arrived. He asked them to sit on either side of the bed. The priest held their hands and kept quiet. The politicians were so touched and at the same time felt very important for being summoned by a senior and well respected priest in his dying moment. Out of anxiety, the Governor asked, 'But why did ask for me and Mheshimiwa?' The priest gathered all his strength and held their hands even tighter. Then with his eyes still closed, he mumbled 'Jesus died between two thieves. My only wish is to die the same way.' Minutes later as the silence enveloped the hospital room, the priest took his last breath.
Mr. Brown was telling his son a bed-time story. "Once upon a time there was a white bunny..." "Jeez..dad it's boring,what about science fiction?" "Ok,Ok" Mr Brown said. "Once upon a time there was a Bunny who got onto a spacecraft and...." "Dad, a little more grown up!" "Do you promise me not to tell your mom?" asked Mr Brown. " I swear!" "Ok", "Once upon a time there was a naked bunny..."
I found a Justin Bieber concert ticket nailed to a tree, so I took it! You never know when you might need a nail.
Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon? Great food but no atmosphere.
So the buddhist pulls a gun out of his coat and the vendor says, "Whoa whoa whoa, what about inner peace?". The Buddhist responds "This is my inner piece".
What's a skunk's philosophy of life? Eat, stink and be merry.
Q: How did the butcher introduce his wife? A: Meet Patty.