The best marriage jokes

A woman is standing looking in the bedroom mirror… She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly… I really need you to pay me a compliment.” The husband replies, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”
Vote: has 88.55 % from 591 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: marriage, ugly, fat
While inspecting their honeymoon suite, the bride discovers a little box attached to the bed. "What's this for?" she asks her husband. "If you put a quarter in," he says, reaching into his pocket, "the bed starts vibrating." "Save your money," she says. "When you're a quarter in, I start vibrating."
Vote: has 88.54 % from 246 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: marriage, holiday, husband
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
Vote: has 88.52 % from 152 votes. Send joke:

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My wife and I have agreed never to go to bed angry with one another. So far we’ve been up for three weeks.
Vote: has 88.52 % from 152 votes. Send joke:

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Q: Why do brides smile while they walk down the wedding aisle? A: They realize they've given their last blow jobs.
Vote: has 88.49 % from 255 votes. Send joke:

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“A happy marriage is nothing but a give and take relationship; the husband gives and the wife takes.”
Vote: has 88.46 % from 193 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: marriage, relationship, husband, wife
We are already 2 years together with my girlfriend and decided to get married. My parents helped as much as they could and all my my friends said it’s a really good idea! My girlfriend? She is a dream! But there is something that bothers me! This something is her little sister… This is my future 20 years old sister-in-law , wearing a super skinny, mini skirts and short blouses. Always lean ahead and I was often lucky to see her underwear. She never did that in front of someone else! One day she calls me and asks me to go home to see the wedding invitations. When I arrived she was alone. She whispered that soon I get married and that she has feelings for me for long time and that she thinks she cann’t overcome them. She also said that she desperately wanted to have sex with me just once before I marry her sister. I was shocked and could not say a word… She said to me that she goes to bed and asked if I wanted to go up with her. I froze and looked at her going up the stairs. Going up, she took her panties off and threw it at me. I stayed there for a moment and then ran to the door. I opened it and I walked to the car. My future father-in-law was standing outside with tears in his eyes, hugged me and said: "I’m glad you passed this little test and I am sure that my daughter could not find a better man. Welcome to the family, my son!" Moral Lesson: Always keep your condoms in your car!
Vote: has 88.45 % from 538 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: men, relationship, marriage, family, car
I joined Bachelors Anonymous. Every time I feel like getting married they send round a woman in curlers to nag me for a while.
Vote: has 88.44 % from 172 votes. Send joke:

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Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."
Vote: has 88.42 % from 140 votes. Send joke:

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What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A widow.
Vote: has 88.37 % from 150 votes. Send joke:

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