The best marriage jokes

The man was looking for a way, over and over, for his wife so she can drive more carefully and he found it; "Darling, if an accident happens, the police will record your real age!"
Vote: has 87.41 % from 167 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: marriage, wife, age, cop
A man wanted Valentine's Day to be special, so he bought a bottle of absinthe and stopped by the florist's to order a bouquet of his wife's favorite flower: white anemones. Unfortunately, the florist was sold out of flowers and had only a few stems of feathery ferns. The man asked the florist to make a bouquet out of the ferns and the flask of liquor. He added a card and proceeded home. After a romantic candlelight dinner, he presented his wife with the gift. She opened the card to read, "Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder." With a tear in her eye, she whispered to him lovingly, "Yes, and with fronds like these, who needs anemones."
Vote: has 87.37 % from 157 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: marriage, Valentines day, alcohol, wife, romantic
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
Vote: has 87.34 % from 185 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: marriage, nerd, technology
There are two times when a man doesn’t understand a woman - before and after marriage.
Vote: has 87.29 % from 156 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: marriage, marriage, women
There are two times when a man doesn’t understand a woman - before and after marriage.
Vote: has 87.29 % from 156 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: marriage, marriage, women
I can remember where I got married. I can remember when I got married. I just can’t remember why.
Vote: has 87.25 % from 146 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: marriage
Two brooms are getting married. Before the ceremony, the bride broom says to the groom broom, "I think I'm going to have a whisk." The groom broom says, "How can that be possible? We haven't even swept together!"
Vote: has 87.18 % from 126 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: marriage
There was this man who walked into a bar and says to the bartender 10 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks, "What's the matter?" The man says, "I found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend." The next day the same man comes in and orders 12 shots of whiskey. The bartenders asks, "What's wrong this time?" The man says, "I found out that my son is gay." The next day the same man comes in the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey. Then the bartender asks, "Doesn't anyone in your family like women?" The man looks up and says, "Apprently my wife does."
Vote: has 87.15 % from 4263 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: gay, bar, bartender, alcohol, marriage
When I got home last night my wife demanded that I 'take her somewhere expensive'... I took her to a petrol station...
Vote: has 87.14 % from 116 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: marriage, wife
A man with a talking parrot is getting married. On the day of the wedding he says to the parrot "Now look here, I know you are always sat in that window sticking your beak in, when me and my new wife get back from the wedding I want you to turn round and and no matter what you hear I do not want you to turn back or I'll break your neck, do you understand?" The parrot reluctantly agrees. On returning from the wedding the parrot turns round as instructed, and behind him the bride and groom start to pack for the honeymoon. The wife however has packed too much and they can't get the case closed. "Get on top and sit on it baby!" says the man the woman does so and grunts and moans but can't shut the case. "You get on top baby it might be better" says the wife, so the man grunts and groans and tries his best but still cant shut the case. After a little thought the man says "Ok we'll both get on top see if that's any better!" The parrot turns round and says "Neck or no neck I have to see this!"
Vote: has 87.00 % from 18 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: parrot, marriage, wedding, travel