The best marriage jokes

Charlie marries a virgin. On their wedding night, he's on fire, and wants some dirty fun so he gets naked, jumps into bed, and immediately begins groping her. "Charles, I expect you to be as mannerly in bed as you are at the dinner table." So, Charlie folds his hands on his lap and says, "Is this better?" "Much better!" she replies with a smile. "Okay, then," he says, "now will you please pass the pussy."
Vote: has 79.22 % from 448 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: dirty, marriage, sex
A ship goes out to sea and crashes. 6 people (1 woman and 5 men) survive and use a safety raft to float to this deserted island. Well, after spending several weeks on the island, they all begin to get really lonely and sexually deprived. So they come to this agreement. All of the men will marry the one woman for a week. So the first man has her for one week, the second man has her for the second week, and so on. Everyone will now be getting sex and they all agree to it. This goes on for five years and everyone is happy. Each man gets sex every fifth week and the woman gets to have sex whenever she wants with a different man every week. Well, a few weeks into the fifth year, the woman dies. The first week is pretty bad, the second week is still pretty bad, the third week is getting worse, the fourth week things are just bad, real bad, and the fifth week is just awful. It’s getting so very bad that on the sixth week they buried her.
Vote: has 79.12 % from 513 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: black humor, desert island, death, sex, marriage
Q: Why is it a bad idea for two butt cheeks to get married? A: Because they part for every little shit.
Vote: has 78.80 % from 10 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: disgusting, marriage
Q: Why is marriage not a word? A: It's a lifelong incarceration!
Vote: has 78.80 % from 10 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: marriage, prison, life, time
Q: If marriage is terrific what is divorce? A: Ten thousand!
Vote: has 78.80 % from 10 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: marriage, divorce, money
Q: If Bigamy is having one wife too much, what is Monogamy? A: The Same!
Vote: has 78.80 % from 10 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: marriage, wife, mean
Wedding anniversaries are a time when men pause and reflect on what it was they did before they were married: anything they wanted to.
Vote: has 77.51 % from 17 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: anniversary, time, marriage
"Mr. Ben, I am asking for your daughter's hand." "Why? I don't get it, don't you have a hand?" "I do sir, but I'm sick and tired with my own hand sir!"
Vote: has 76.49 % from 77 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: dirty, marriage, masturbation
A man and a woman were on a nude beach when a wasp flew into the woman's vagina. In a rush the guy pulled on his shorts, wrapped a towel around the woman, and ran to the hospital. When they got there the doctor said, "The only way I can think to get the wasp out is to slather some honey on my penis and lure it out." The doctor then offered his services for a mere $50. After a long pause, the couple agreed. The doctor happily slathered on some honey and went in. After a couple of thrusts the husband said, "Hey, what the hell is going on?" The doctor says, "Change of plans I'm going to drown the bastard."
Vote: has 76.19 % from 81 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: dirty, doctor, marriage, animal, sex
Bill wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Bill looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless, clean. So's the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you." So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Bill asks, "Son, what happened last night?" His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door." Confused, Bill asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you said, "Lady leave me alone, I'm married'!"
Vote: has 76.06 % from 28 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: alcohol, drug, time, love, marriage