SWISS ARMY KNIFE -- male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.
KIDNEYS -- female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.
TIRE -- male, because it goes bald and is often over-inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOON: male, because to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it . . . and, of course, there's the hot air part.
SPONGES -- female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGE -- female, because it is always getting hit on.
SHOE -- male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.
COPIER -- female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up -- because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed -- because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.
ZIPLOC BAGS -- male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.
SUBWAY -- male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
HAMMER -- male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
REMOTE CONTROL -- Definitely female, because it gives men pleasure; he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
Vote:
This couple had been going out together for quite a while and was thinking about getting married.
They finally decided to spend a night in a motel to see if they were sexually compatible.
The next morning he dropped her off at her apartment and he said, "So long Lucy."
She said, "Goodbye, Shorty."
A man walks into a crowded local bar brandishing a revolver yelling "Who’s been screwing my wife?"
A voice from the back of the bar shouts back, "You don’t have enough ammo, mate!"
One man's marriage has gotten a bit dull, so he asks a friend if he has any ideas on how to add some excitement back to the marriage.
"Well," his friend says, "you can always have an affair."
"I can't do that! I will always be faithful to her." the troubled man replies.
"If you convince her to let you do it, and then it won't be cheating."
The man agrees to give it a try. The next time his wife seems to be in a very good mood he shares the idea with her that a new partner would add excitement.
"Honey," his wife says, "that won't help our marriage.
Believe me, I already tried it."
A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives.
In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."
Man: Is there any way for long life?
Dr: Get married.
Man: Will it help?
Dr: No, but the thought of long life will never come.
A wife sending a short message to her husband:
It was just said on the news that they found a hideous corpse with a hollow head, a cigar among ugly rotten teeth and a bottle of liquor in his hand. I'm worried about you!. Please, give me a ring...
A woman was standing naked, looking herself at the mirror.
She was not satisfied with what she was looking at and said to her husband: "I feel awful. I look old, fat, and ugly. I really need a compliment right now."
Her husband replied: "Your vision is perfectly nice!"
...and then the fight started.
Why do couples hold hands during their wedding day?
simple
it is just a formality like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!!
Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is."
"Of course I do," he irritatingly answered, going out the door to the office.
At 11 AM, the doorbell rang, and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a bouquet of red roses.
At 2 PM, a two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived.
Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.
The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home.
"First the flowers, then the chocolates, and then the dress!" she exclaimed.
"I've never had a more wonderful ‘Independence day' in all my life!"