How can you tell if your husband is dead?
The sex is the same but you get to use the remote.
There was an old married couple who love each other very much.
But each morning as he was waking up the husband let out a huge nasty wet fart with his wife right in the bed next to him.
The wife always says "One day you're going to fart your guts out if you don't stop."
Then one day the wife snapped she won't take it anymore and she got up extra early when downstairs and got the guts out of a turkey and put it in the bed behind.
She went back downstairs to wait and then she heard the loud disgusting fart all the way down the stairs and then she hears nothing for a long while.
Just as she's about to go upstairs and check on her husband he comes stomping down the steps and he says "Honey you were right after I get my guts out but with the grace of God and these two fingers I managed to shove them back up there again."
A man is on his deathbed.
‘Grant me one last wish, my dear,’ he gasps pitifully to his wife.
‘Six months after I die I want you to marry Joe.’
‘But I thought you hated Joe,’ says his wife.
‘I do,’ says the man.
Wife: "There is something wrong with you."
Me: "What a thing to say just before our dog's first salsa lesson."
"I hope you didn’t take it personally, Father," an embarrassed woman said after a church service, "when my husband walked out during your sermon."
"I did find it rather disconcerting," the vicar replied.
"It’s not a reflection on you, Father" insisted the church goer.
"Christopher has been walking in his sleep ever since he was a child."
A husband and wife went to the fairgrounds.
The wife wanted to go on the Ferris wheel, but the husband wasn’t comfortable with that.
So the wife went on the ride by herself.
The wheel went round and round and suddenly the wife was thrown out and landed in a heap at her husband’s feet.
”Are you hurt?” he asked.”Of course I’m hurt!” she replied.
“Three times around and you didn’t wave once!”
A gay American was caught by his Filipino gay husband cheating.
The American husband asked, "how did you find out?"
The Filipino husband replied, "through my Western Union Receipts."
Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Coming home after check-up, 45 year old Jenna said to her husband: "The doctor said that my brust is like a 20 year old girl’ brust."
Husband replied: "Did he mention about your 45 year old hanged to the floor ass?"
"No", she said. "Your name wasn’t even mentioned."
How do most men define marriage?
A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.