Husband to wife: ‘Put your coat on, I’m going to the pub.’ Wife: ‘Oh that’s nice, are you taking me for a drink?’ Husband: ‘No, I’m turning the heating off.’
A married couple had gotten into an argument and for many days had not been talking to each other. Instead they were writing notes back and forth. One evening the husband walked up to the wife and handed her a note that said, “Wake me up tomorrow at 6 in the morning.” When he woke up the next morning it was 9. He immediately got angry with his wife and turned around to speak to her. On her pillow was a note that said, “Wake up, it’s 6!”
Why is marriage a three-ring circus? First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering.
Wife to husband: ‘I need a new dress.’ Husband: ‘What’s wrong with the dress you’ve got?’ Wife: ‘It’s too long and the veil keeps getting in my eyes.’
He never got married. He said he didn’t want to make the same mistake once.
Boy: I would go to the end of the world for you! Girl: yes, but would you stay there….
They are a fastidious couple. She’s fast and he’s hideous.
Q: Why did Frosty the Snowman want a divorce? A: He thought his wife was a flake.
Husband to wife: ‘You have a flat chest and hairy legs. Tell me, have you ever been mistaken for a man?’ ‘No,’ replies his wife. ‘Have you?’
Wife to husband: ‘You certainly made a fool of yourself last night. I just hope nobody realised you were sober.’