The best marriage jokes

My husband has a split personality – and I hate both of them.
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Priest to woman: ‘I don’t think you’ll ever find another man like your late husband.’ Woman: ‘Who’s going to look?’
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The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then they marry him.
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Always talk to your wife when you’re making love – assuming there’s a phone handy.
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Why are men with pierced ears are better prepared for marriage? They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
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A newlywed couple goes on their honeymoon. Two days into the weeklong trip, the wife goes to the front desk and demands a car to take her to the airport. A few hours later, the husband strolls past the front desk. The manager asks why his wife has left the island. "Were you not having a good time?" The man replies, "Well, I've been having the best time of my life, but it's been with the maid."
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A man and his wife enter a dentist's office. The wife says "I need a tooth pulled. No gas or Novocain -- I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible." "You're a brave woman," says the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth it is." The wife turns to her husband and says, "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."
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An old woman buys herself some bright red crotchless panties and goes home to surprise her husband. When her husband comes home, she calls him into the bedroom and points to her new panties. "Hey old timer," she says, "come and get some of this!" The old man says, "Hell no, woman. It done ate a hole in your drawers!"
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He was in a position to marry anyone he pleased. Unfortunately he didn’t please anyone.
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I live like a medieval knight. Every night I go to sleep with a battleaxe at my side.
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