A lot of things have changed in my life since I got to know that my girlfriend got pregnant. My name, living address, phone number...
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other person’s got, you wish you’d ordered that.
Jill and John got married. John thought this would be a "marriage of the 90's" -- equal roles for equal partners. So, the first morning back from their honeymoon, he brought Jill breakfast in bed. Jill wasn't impressed with his culinary skills, however. She looked disdainfully at the tray, and snorted, "Poached? I wanted scrambled!" Undaunted, the next morning, John brought his true love a scrambled egg. Jill wasn't having any of it. "Do you think I don't like variety? I wanted poached this morning!"
Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying? For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Husband: I want to go somewhere on holiday this year I've never been before. Wife: Well, how about the kitchen?
The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said ''Did you get my drift?''.
I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.
She has her husband eating out of the palm of her hand – it saves on the washing-up.
What is the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? About 40 lb.
When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.