The best masturbation jokes

Q: What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate? A: Miracle Whip.
Vote: has 61.52 % from 113 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: sex, age, masturbation
What do you call a masturbating cow? Beef Stroke-n-off
Vote: has 57.16 % from 26 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: disgusting, masturbation
Dan staggers into the shower. He notices that his d**k is bright orange. He feels normal, but he's concerned and goes to the doctor. After a thorough examination, the doctor says, "You seem to be fine and all of the tests are normal. Did you do anything out of the ordinary over the weekend?" Dan says, "No. All I did was stay home, watch porno movies and eat Cheetos."
Vote: has 56.84 % from 20 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: disgusting, doctor, masturbation
Gay translation I want a commitment. I'm sick of masturbation. Haven't I seen you before? Nice ass. I need you. My hand is tired. You're the only man I've ever cared about. You are the only man who hasn't rejected me. I'm a Romantic. I'm poor. I really want to get to know you better. So I can tell my friends about it. It's just orange juice, try it. 3 more shots, and he'll have his legs around my head. He's kinda cute. I want to have sex with him till my dick turns blue! He's not my type. He won't sleep with me. I miss you so much I am so horny that my dog is starting to look good. I had a wonderful time last night. Who the hell are you? Do you love me? I've done something stupid and you might find out. Do you 'really' love me? I've done something stupid and you're going to find out. I'll give you a call. I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again. I've been thinking a lot. You're not as attractive as when I was drunk. I think we should just be friends. You're ugly. I've learned a lot from you. Next!!!!
Vote: has 55.83 % from 198 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: gay, masturbation, animal, ugly, love
How is a soyburger like a dildo? They're both substitutes for meat.
Vote: has 52.93 % from 18 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: disgusting, masturbation
This 12 year old boy was in bed when he heard his mother moaning. He decided that he'd go see whats wrong with her. When he looked in his mothers room he saw that she was laying on her bed naked and rubbing herself and saying"I need a man, I need a man" So this quite a few times and then one night he heard his mother again, but this time her moaning sounded different, so he went to go check it out, this time instead of seeing his mother alone, he sees his mother in bed with a man. So the boy runs back to his room, strips all his clothes off, jumps on the bed and starts rubbing himself while saying "I need a bike, I need a bike"!!!!!
Vote: has 51.19 % from 154 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: sex, age, masturbation
Yo' mama so fat, she uses epileptic boys as vibrators!
Vote: has 43.21 % from 12 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: Yo mama, fat, masturbation, insulting
Yo' Mama is so skanky, her dildo came with jumper cables.
Vote: has 39.47 % from 11 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: Yo mama, masturbation
Chuck Norris does not masturbate, because there is no greater pleasure than being Chuck Norris.
Vote: has 39.32 % from 13 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: Chuck Norris, masturbation
Chuck Norris only mast*rbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.
Vote: has 36.09 % from 14 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: Chuck Norris, masturbation