A woman goes to her bank with a cheque from her husband. The cashier tells her it has to be endorsed, so she writes on the back, ‘My husband is a wonderful man.’
An actuary priced an automobile ‘fire and theft’ policy with an extremely low premium. When asked why it was so cheap, he said, ‘Who’d steal a burnt car?’
He was so poor he didn’t even get a yo-yo for Christmas. His parents could only afford a yo.
Smile and the world audits your taxes.
Last year I told the kids there was no Father Christmas, this year I’m telling the wife.
My uncle is very mean. I went round the other day and found him stripping the wallpaper. He wasn’t redecorating, he was moving.
Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire.
When does a female deer need money? When she doesnt have a buck.
The proprietor of the general store at the cross-roads had his place overrun by rats, and the damage was such that he offered a hundred dollars reward to anyone who would rid him of the pests. A disreputable-appearing person turned up one morning, and announced that he was a professional rat-killer. "Get to work," the store-keeper urged. "I must have a pound of cheese," the killer declared. When this had been provided: "Now give me a quart of whiskey." Equipped with the whiskey, the professional spoke briskly: "Now show me the cellar." An hour elapsed, and then the rat-catcher galloped up the cellar stairs and leaped into the store. His face was red, the eyes glaring, and he shook his fists in defiance of the world at large, as he jumped high in air and shouted: "Whoopee! I'm ready! bring on your rats!"
A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as quickly as he can. The bartender asks, "my goodness, why are you drinking so fast?' The guy replies, "You would be drinking just as fast if you had what I have." The bartender looks at him curiously and says, "What do you have?" The guy responds, "Only one Dollar."