Yo momma's so old she knew the Virgin Mary when she was 10 and said Lil Mary will never amount to anything.
An accountant and a lawyer were laying on a beach in Hawaii sipping mai tai's. The lawyer started telling the accountant how he came to be there. "I had this downtown property in Memphis that caught fire and after the insurance paid off, I came here." The accountant said, "I had a downtown property, too, in Miami. It got flooded so here I am with the insurance proceeds." The lawyer took another sip of his mai tai, and then asked in a puzzled voice, "How do you start a flood?"
An IRS agent is lying on his psychiatrist's couch bemoaning the fact that everyone in the world hates him. "Nonsense", says his doctor. "Everyone in the world doesn't hate you. Everyone in the United States, perhaps, but certainly not everyone in the world."
It's Halloween and when the man answers his door, there's a well-dressed young boy there wearing a suit and matching tie, who says "Trick or treat". The man's a bit confused so he asks the boy what he's dressed up as. "I'm an IRS agent", says the boy, and with that, he snatches 40% of the candy, and leaves without saying thank you.
Q: What do you call a pothead that doesn't inhale? A: Mr. President.
Q: What do you call a stoner spilling his weed on the floor? A: Drug Abuse.
Q: How can you tell if you have smoked too much weed? A: You can't smoke too much weed.
There's a technical term for a sunny, warm day which follows two rainy days. It's called Monday.
Jill: "How did you find the weather on your vacation?" Bill: "I just went outside and there it was!"
Q: Why do hurricanes travel so fast? A: Because if they travelled slowly, we'd have to call them slow-i-canes.