What do spinach and anal sex have in common? If you're forced to have it as a kid, you'll hate it as an adult.
Russian President Putin called President George W. Bush with an emergency: "Our largest condom factory has exploded," the Russian President cried. "My people's favorite form of birth control. This is a true disaster!" "Mr. Putin, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you," replied the President. "I do need your help" said Putin. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms as soon as possible to tide us over?" "Why certainly! I'll get right on it,"said Bush. "Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Putin. "Yes?" "Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" said Putin. "No problem," replied the President. Mr. Putin hung up and started laughing with his aides about how those stupid Americans will fall for anything. George hung up and called the President of a condom company. "I need a favor, you've got to send 1,000,000 condoms right away over to Russia." "Consider it done," said the president of the condom company. "Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10" long and 4" wide." "Easily done. Anything else?" "Yeah," said the President, "print 'Made in America, size small' on each one!"
What do attorneys use for birth control? Their personalities.
Q. How do you know when you are getting old? A. When you start having dry dreams and wet farts.
I had a visitor one night… he explored my body… licked, sucked, swallowed & had his fill… when satisfied he left… I was hurt… Damn mosquito!!!
Q: Why do women have two holes so close together? A: In case you miss.
Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?" Woman: "Unfertilized."
An elderly man and woman meet in a bar and get to talking. They are enjoying their conversation so much that, when the bar closes, they decide to continue at the woman's apartment. After a time, things start getting pretty romantic and they wind up in bed. Afterward, they're both laying there, staring at the ceiling. The old man is thinking, “Gosh, if I had known she was a virgin, I would have been more careful with her.” The old lady is thinking, “Geez, if I had known he could get it up, I would have taken off my panties.”
Q: How do you make your wife scream while having sex? A: Call her and tell her.
A guy goes to the store to buy condoms. "Do you want a bag?", the cashier asks. "No", the guy says, "She's not that ugly."