The best sex jokes

How can you get AIDS from a toilet seat? By sitting down before the last guy gets up.
Vote: has 55.86 % from 90 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: sex
A woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor comes in and he says, "I have to tell you something about your baby." The woman sits up in bed and says, "What's wrong with my baby doctor? What's wrong?" The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite." The woman is confused. "A hermaphrodite..... what's that?" The doctor replies, "Well, it means your baby has the.......er......features....of a male and a female." The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh MY GOD! you mean it has a penis..... AND a brain.
Vote: has 55.26 % from 694 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: sex, baby, women
An elderly couple met for a romp in the broom closet at the nursing home. They undressed and were about to screw, The woman decided to warn the man of her heart condition. "I should tell you, I have acute angina" she said. The man replied, "thats good because you have the ugliest breasts I ever seen!"
Vote: has 55.20 % from 118 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: sex
An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple in their bedroom. The husband turned to his wife and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen action in years. If he wants sex, I think it's best to just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it." "I'm so relieved you feel that way," replies his wife, "because he told me he thinks you're really cute."
Vote: has 55.11 % from 66 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: marriage, couple, husband, sex
Q: What do you call the sweat on your balls after having sex with your cousin? A: Relative humidity.
Vote: has 54.97 % from 19 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: disgusting, sex
As is tradition in Italian families, Marol spends her wedding night in her family home. Her mother sleeps in the adjacent room in case Marol has any questions. Mama tells Marol, "You have any a problem, you come and see Mama." Later, Marol's husband unbuttons his shirt, and Marol jumps up, runs next door and cries, "Mama, Mama! He has hair all over his chest!" Mama reassures Marol, "Men have hair on the chest. This is sign of a good man. Go now and make him happy." But when Marol's husband takes off his belt, she goes jumps up again, runs next door and cries, "Mama, Mama! He has a protrusion in his pants!" Mama reassures her, "He finds you beautiful. This is sign of a good man. Go now and make him happy." Finally, Marol's husband takes off his shoes. Due to a terrible childhood accident, he only has half of his right foot. Marol jumps up and runs back to her mother's room, shouting, "Mama, Mama! He has a foot and a half!" Her mother gets up and announces, "Stand back, Marol this is a job for Mama!"
Vote: has 54.96 % from 127 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: marriage, family, wedding, sex
Man to woman: ‘Tell me, after having sex do you ever smoke?’ Woman: ‘I’ve never looked.’
Vote: has 54.77 % from 35 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: sex
Q. What's a blonde's idea of safe sex? A. Locking the car door.
Vote: has 54.59 % from 16 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: blonde, sex, car
Justin Timberlake didn't bring sexy back Chuck Norris did.
Vote: has 54.59 % from 16 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: Chuck Norris, music, celebrity, sex
Happy Father's Day to someome who's been completely replaced in his marriage by Fifty Shades of Grey.
Vote: has 54.59 % from 16 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: Fathers day, sex, dirty, marriage