A man was talking to his wife about going to the social security office.
He said he would go the next day.
So the next morning he goes but when he gets there he realized he forgot his license and she said that was fine she could tell his age by the hair on his chest. So he opened his shirt and everything went smoothly.
He got home and told his wife what happened and she said: "well honey if you would have pulled down your pants you could have filed for disability."
I was sat with my wife while she sipped on her glass of wine, when she said, "I love you so much, you know. I don't know how I could ever live without you."
I said, "Is that you or the wine talking?"
She said, "It's me talking to the wine.
A man and his ever nagging wife were on holiday in Jerusalem, when the wife suddenly died.
The funeral company told the man that it would cost 45000 to ship her home or $500 to bury her in Jerusalem.
The husband said "ship her home".
Shocked, the undertaker asked "but sir, why don't you bury her in the Holy Land and save the money ?"
The husband replied "a long time ago, a man was buried here and 3 days later, he rose from the dead ... I cant take the chance !"
A businessman was about to go on a long business trip, and was worried that his wife would cheat on him while he was gone.
So to prevent this, he visited the local sex shop in order to buy his wife a vibrator to keep her occupied in his absence.
After examining the products, he hadn't found an appropriately amazing vibrator and asked the store clerk for help.
The store clerk recommended the "Voodoo D**k."
"How does it work?" asked the businessman.
The clerk unwrapped the Voodoo D**k from its ceremonial tiki box and said to it, "Voodoo D**k that door."
The vibrator flew out of the box and attacked the door with such vigor that the door split in half.
"Fantastic," said the man.
"I'll take it!"
He instructed his wife on how to use the Voodoo D**k and left on his business trip.
Soon, his wife decided to try it out and said the magic words: "Voodoo D**k my p***y."
The Voodoo D**k flew out of the box and gave her orgasm after orgasm.
But soon it became too much, and she couldn't figure out how to make it stop.
So she got into her car and began driving to the hospital, swerving so much that she got pulled over by the police.
The policeman asked her why she was driving so recklessly and she explained to him that she had a Voodoo D**k inside her that wouldn't leave her alone.
The policeman looked at her skeptically and said, "Voodoo D**k, my ass."
*Wakes up to wife and son screaming*
Me: "What are you guys yelling about?"
Them: "You're driving!"
Vote:
After 5 hours sitting in the bar, a man was in no shape to drive, wisely left his car parked and walked home.
As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 am?", said the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture.", the man said.
And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?", the cop asked.
"My wife!!!" said the man.
The husband was not home at his usual hour, and the wife was fuming, as the clock ticked later and later.
Finally, about 3:00 AM she heard a noise at the front door, and as she stood at the top of the stairs, there was her husband, drunk as a skunk, trying to navigate the stairs.
"Do you realize what time it is?" she asked.
He answered, "Dont get excited. Im late because I bought something for the house."
Immediately her attitude changed, and as she ran down the stairs to meet him halfway, she asked, "What did you buy for the house, dear?"
His answer was, "A round of drinks!"
A lawyer was reading out the will of a rich man to the people mentioned in the will: "To you, my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in rough times, as well as good, I leave her the house and $2 million."
The lawyer continued, "To my daughter Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave her the yacht, the business and $1 million."
The lawyer concluded, "And, to my cousin Cowboy, who hated me, argued with me, and thought that I would never mention him in my will. Well you are wrong. Hi Cowboy!"
Seventy-five-year-old Marvin goes to the local mall and tries to find a gift for his wife for Women's Day.
Upon passing a lingerie store, Marvin realizes that his wife has never bought any lingerie in her life.
He gets the idea to buy his wife something sexy to make her feel good and young.
Marvin goes into the store and tells the clerk to wrap up the most expensive, sheerest negligee she has.
Marvin takes the gift and excitedly runs home to his wife.
Upon finding her in the kitchen he tells her to take the gift upstairs and unwrap it.
He'll wait in the kitchen.
His wife thanks him and goes up to the bedroom.
Once the package is opened she realizes that this is something she's never had before.
She also sees that it is so sheer it leaves nothing to the imagination.
She thinks for a moment and then decides that she'll really surprise Marvin and go downstairs without any clothes on at all.
So she leaves the negligee on the bed and starts down the stairs stark naked.
She calls out: "Marvin, come out to the hallway and look."
Marvin walks out to the staircase, looks up at his wife, and exclaims: "All that money and they didn't even iron it?!"
Vote:
A man goes to his doctor and says, “I don’t think my wife’s hearing isn’t as good as it used to be.
What should I do?”
The doctor replies, “Try this test to find out for sure.
When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn’t respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you.”
The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner.
He stands fifteen feet behind her and says, “What’s for dinner, honey?
He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again.
Still no response, so he moves to five feet. Still, no answer.
Finally he stands directly behind her and says, “Honey, what’s for dinner?” She replies, “For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN!”