Question: What should a man do if his wife runs into the room during a baseball match and keeps disturbing you? Answer: Shorten the chain.
What do women and condoms have in common? If they're not on your dick they're in your wallet.
A very caring sentence written on the T-Shirt of a girl walking on the road. "You are not looking at the road right now, please be careful."
This mothers day, Men all around were criticized for not calling their mothers on such an important day. But me, I thought of the best way to get out of such a mess. Heres how the beginning of the Monday after Mothers Day went for me: Mother: "You know Mike, I was thinking and out of all my sons, you never called me on Mothers Day!" Me: "You know Mom, I was thinking, and out of all my mothers, you never called me on SON-day!" Something like this is bound to make her smile and forget, worked with my Mom!
A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the woman, "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle." "Do you think it will work?" she asks. "It's worth a try." he says. So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this.". "What?" asks the priest, "what happened?". "You gave birth to a child!". "But that's impossible!" says the priest. "I just did the operation," insists the doctor, "It's a miracle! Here's your baby." About fifteen years go by, and the priest realises he must tell his son the truth. One day, he sits the boy down and says, "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father." The son says, "What do you mean, you're not my father?" The priest replies, "I am your mother, the archbishop is your father."
Why Airplanes are better than Women ? Airplanes usually kill you quickly ...a woman takes her time. Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.... Airplanes don't get mad if you do a "touch and go".... Airplanes don't object to a preflight inspection.... Airplanes come with manuals to explain their operation.... Airplanes have strict weight and balance limits.... Airplanes can be flown any time of the month.... Airplanes don't come with in-laws.... Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you've flown before.... Airplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time.... Airplanes don't mind if you look at other airplanes.... Airplanes don't mind if you buy airplane magazines.... Airplanes expect to be tied down.... Airplanes don't comment on your piloting skills.... Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong.... However...when airplanes go quiet...just like women...it's usually not good. If you miscalculate and make a mistake with an airplane, you don't have a bunch of "little airplanes" flying around out of control! When your airplane is sitting there looking at you face to face whining @ 15,000 r's, you want to hear more! With an airplane, your frequency is continuous, and not just once or twice a year! The shape of an airplanes empanage stays constant over the years! Airplanes don't stop for yard and garage sales or tupperware parties! If an airplane gets in the way, you just put it out in the garage, and that is that! It is interesting watching an airplane stall! If a woman ground loops, it is usually more than just a broken prop!
"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper." "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!" "I know all that." "Then why did you invite a friend for supper?" "Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."
Two men work in a mortuary. One says to another, "You should see that woman they brought in today. She'd been in the water for a week. Her clit was like a pickle." "Ew!" says the other fellow. "It was green?" "No, it was sour!"
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly, she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. "Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap ......... and stay for breakfast. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!! Everything had been SO incredible!!!! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?". "No," she replies, "You just happened to catch my eye."
In the beginning of time, God created the world and then rested. Then he created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then neither God nor man has rested.