Somebody told me the best way to meet women is to do something you enjoy right away, you have something in common. So, I've spent the past year smoking dope and watching television.
How can you tell if your wife is dead? The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
What do mopeds and fat ladies have in common? They're both a great ride until someone sees you on one.
Question: How many men does it take to open a beer? Answer: None. It should already be open by the time she brings it.
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing you haven't told her twice!
A guy dials his home phone number from work. A strange woman answers. The guy says, "Who is this?" "This is the maid," answered the woman. "We don’t have a maid!" "I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house." "Well, this is her husband. Is she there?" "Ummm…she’s upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband." The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?" "What do I have to do?" "I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she’s with." The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a couple of gunshots. The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?" "Throw them in the swimming pool!" "What pool?”" "Uh.. is this 832-4173?"
What's worse than a male chauvinistic pig? A women who won't do what she's told.
How many women does it take to change a light bulb? 11 - 10 to form a committee and 1 to get her boyfriend to do it...
Question: How do you fix a woman’s watch? Answer: You don’t. There’s a clock on the stove.
Q: Why do women have tiny feet? A: So they can stand closer to the sink.