Q: What's an actuary?
A: An accountant without the sense of humor.
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Q: How many Accountants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: What sort of answer did you have in mind?
A: None - just assume it's changed.
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Q: Why do accountants make good lovers?
A: They're great with figures.
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A wife to her husband as they watch their young son playing:
"He's such a sensitive child.
Let's wait until he's older before we tell him you're an accountant."
A fine is a tax for doing wrong.
A tax is a fine for doing well.
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Q: What do you call a trial balance that doesn't balance?
A: A late night.
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What do you call an accountant with an opinion?
An auditor.
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Q: Why does Santa have an accountant in the USA?
A: So he can avoid Gift Taxes.
Some American academics, discussing the Six Day War with an Israeli general, were eager to know how it had ended so quickly.
The general told them, "We had a crack regiment at the most sensitive front. It was made entirely of lawyers and accountants. When the time came to charge - boy, did they know how to charge!"
Q: Why accountants don't read novels?
A: Because the only numbers in them are page numbers.
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An accountant dies and goes to heaven (no, that's not the joke).
St. Peter, of course, is there, looking through the files and asking a few quick questions.
"What sort of accountant were you?"
"Oh, I was a CPA", was the reply.
"Name?" asks St. Pete.
The accountant gives his name and St. Peter finds his file.
"Oh yes, we've been expecting you. You've reached your allotted time span."
The accountant says, "I don't get it. How can that be? I'm only 48 years old."
Pete looks again at the file and says, "Well, that's impossible."
"Why do you say that?" asks the accountant.
"Well," says St. Peter, "we've been looking over your time sheets and the hours you've charged your clients. By our reckoning, you must be at least 93 years old!"