Joke #5552

An elderly couple was attending church services. About halfway through she leans over and says to her husband. "I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?" He replies, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.” The gentleman replied, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!”

Two old people flirt at a seniors' singles bar. After a few drinks, the old man asks the old woman, "If I took you out for a full night of wining, dining and dancing, what would you wear?" The old woman replies shyly, "Depends..." "Depends on what?" he asks. "On my bottom - where else?!"

Two old ladies are in a restaurant. One complains, "You know, the food here is just terrible." The other shakes her head and adds, "And such small portions."

One afternoon, Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel’s ear and she says, “Mable, did you know you’ve got a suppository in your left ear?” Mable answered, “I have a suppository in my EAR?” She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, “Ethel, I’m awfully glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is.”

This elderly couple is sitting on a park bench in front of a large pond. On the other side of the pond are vendors sell all types of food stuff. The wife turns to hubby and says, "I could really go for an ice cream cone." Hubby replies, "Well, I'll go get you one." Wife says, "But, you'll forget, you better write it down." Hubby replies, "No I won't; what do you want?" Wife says, "Get me a strawberry cone with chocolate sprinkles." Hubby replies, "Okay, strawberry cone with chocolate sprinkles. See, I'll remember. Several hours pass and, finally, the hubby returns. The wife asks him, "What took you so long, did you get lost?" The hubby replies, "No, and I got what you wanted." The wife opens the bag to discover a cheeseburger and fries! Wife says, "I knew you you should have written the order down." Hubby says, "What do you mean - every thing is there." To which the wife replies, "No, it's not... look, you forgot the pickles!"

The wife and I had come to town to pick up a few things. We came out of one store and saw a cop writing a ticket for illegal parking right in front of us on the curb. So we asked him nicely to give a couple of retirees a break. But he paid us no attention and kept writing. Just loud enough for him to hear, my wife said, "What a Bozo." The cop looked up, stared at my wife, then started writing out another ticket. I said, "Honey, this guy probably just learned to read and write, and he's so proud of himself, he's showing off." The cop tore off the 2nd ticket and started on a third. We kept making comments and he kept writing tickets till he was up to about half a dozen. Finally, glaring at us, the cop left, and we walked on down the street. We didn't care about the tickets. We always take the bus into town, and anyway, that car was one of those obnoxious Hummers. Being retired, we always try to find ways to keep ourselves amused. We feel it's important.

An elderly couple in their 80's were going to Florida. At the border, the customs officer asks where they were going. The wife says "what did he say". The husband turns to the wife and says the customs officer wants to know where we are going. He then tells the officer that we are going to Florida. The customs officer now asks how long they were going to Florida for. The wife says "what did he say". The husband turns to the wife and says the customs officer wants to know how long we are going to Florida for. The husband tells the officer that they were going for 2 months. The customs officer then asks where they were coming from. The wife says "what did he say". The husband turns to his wife and says the customs officer wants to know where we were coming from. The husband tells the officer that they were from Hamilton. The customs officer thinks for a minute and tells the husband that he had dated a lady from Hamilton and she was the worst piece of ass he ever had. The wife says "what did he say". The husband turns to his wife and says "He thinks he knows you".

While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona cafe, four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather, to how things used to be in the “good old days.” Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked, “Roy, aren’t you and your bride celebrating your fiftieth wedding anniversary soon?” “Yup, we sure are,” Roy replied. “Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?” another man asked. The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, “For our twenty-fifth anniversary, I took Bea to Tucson. Maybe for our fiftieth, I’ll go down there and get her.”

A retired couple had dinner at their friends’ house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went to the kitchen. The two men were talking and one said, “We've been going to a new restaurant and it’s really great. I’d recommend it very highly.” The other man asked, “What’s the name of the place?” The first man thought awhile and finally said, “What are those flowers you send a woman you love? The ones with red petals and thorns?” “You must mean roses,” he replied. “That’s it,” said the man. He yelled to his wife, “Rose, what’s the name of the restaurant we like?”