Joke #5879

My wife and I had been debating whether it was time to start a family when we saw a couple of cute kids, splashing and giggling in a paddling pool. I looked at her and said, "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" She smiled and said, "Yes, Gary..." "That settles it, then," I replied. "We can't raise children if we're both paedos."

Did you hear about the male prostitute who got leprosy? He did okay until his business fell off.

Why do orphans like playing tennis? Because it's the only love they get.

Q: Why does Luke Skywalker always ask for favors? A: Because he needs someone to lend a hand.

How can you tell if you have acne? If the blind can read your face.

Woman delivers baby. Doctor takes the baby, and throws it, smashing around the hospital room, drop-kicking it, etc. Mother starts freaking out, being held back by nurses, begging "WHY!?" Doctor holds baby upside down by the ankle and says "I'm just fucking with you, it was born dead".

"Excuse me, how do I get to the hospital quickly?" "Just stand in the middle of the road for a while."

Join the Army, meet some fascinating people, then kill them.

Q: What do pregnant teenagers and their unborn babies have in common? A: Both their moms are going to kill them!

A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. In the den was a stuffed lion. The visiting hunter asked, “When did you bag him?” The host said proudly, “That was three years ago, when I went hunting with my ex-wife.” “What’s he stuffed with,” asked the visiting hunter. “My ex-wife” replied the hunter.

While we were working at a men's clothing store, a customer asked my coworker to help her pick out a tie that would make her husband's blue eyes stand out. "Ma'am," he explained, "any tie will make blue eyes stand out if you tie it tight enough."