Three women left separately after a very late night out drinking Guinness until the early hours. They met the next day for an early pint, and compared notes about who had been the most drunk. The first gal claims that she was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home, walked into the house, and as soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks". To which the second gal replied, "You think that was drunk? I got in my car, drove out of the parking lot, and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!" And the third proclaimed, "I was by far the most drunk. I got home, I go in a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over and burned the whole house down!" They all looked at each other for a moment. Then the first gal says: "Ladies, I don't think you understand. Chunks is my dog."
This guy's at a bar, and it's really late. He's been drinking hard all night, and is so tanked he falls backwards right off the bar stool onto the floor. He slowly climbs back up, takes another swig and slides right back onto the floor. Finally, this other guy is sympathetic and offers to drive the guy home. On the way out to the car, the drunk falls over a few times, and crawls the rest of the way to the car. When they get to his house, he can't even walk, and falls five times on the way to his own front door. The good samaritan helps him the rest of the way, and rings the doorbell. The drunk's wife opens the door. He says, "Sorry to wake you m'am. Your husband's had a few too many, so I drove him home for you." The wife gratefully responds, "Thank you, sir, that's very kind of you." "Where's his wheelchair?"
A man enters a store and says: "15 litres of wine please." "Did you bring a container for this? " "You're speaking to it."
A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knocking' mate, there's no paper in this one either."
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music. While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money. "Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."
Agony: a one-armed man hanging off a cliff with itchy balls.
There were three daughters and they all wanted to get married but they couldn't afford it and neither could there parents. So the parents said "We will give you all a joint wedding and then you will all be able to get married". So they got married and all three daughters then said "I want a honeymoon but we cant afford it". The parents couldn't afford it either so they deiced they would have the honeymoon at their parents house. So on there honeymoon night their mother woke up and deiced to go downstairs and get a drink. On the way down she heard the first daughter screaming but she juts ignored it. When she reached the second daughters bedroom she could hear laughing and just ignored it. When she reached the third daughters room she could hear nothing and deiced 2 ignore it. The next morning at the breakfast table she said to the first daughter "Why were you screaming?". And the daughter replied "Well mother you told me 2 scream when something hurt." Then the mother said to the second daughter "Why were you laughing last night?" and the daughter replied "Mother you told me to laugh when something tickled". Then the mother said to the last daughter "Why didn't I hear anything coming from your room last night?" and the daughter replied "Well mother you told me never to talk with my mouth full".
I went out drinking on St. Patrick's Day, so I took a bus home. That may not be a big deal to you, but I've never driven a bus before.
A guy was meeting a friend in a bar, and as he walked in he noticed two pretty girls looking at him. He heard one girl say to the other, "Nine." Feeling pleased with himself, he swaggered over to his buddy at the bar and told him that the girl in the corner had just rated him a nine out of ten. "Sorry to spoil your evening," said his friend, "but when I walked in they were speaking German"
A pretty lady is standing on the side of a bridge, looking over it and thinking about jumping off. A homeless alcoholic man comes up to her as he was walking nearby. The lady notices the man coming and says: "Go away! There's nothing you can say to me to change my mind, you cannot help me." "Well, if you're going to kill yourself anyway, why don't we have sex? At least I'll enjoy it" replies the man. "No way, you're disgusting, go away." The homeless man turns and starts walking away. The lady thinks: "Is that all you were going to say to me? Nothing more? Won't you try to convince me that life is worth living that I should not jump off? Where are you going?" The homeless man thinks: "I have to make it down to the bottom. If I hurry, you'll still be warm."